This is what I want, this is what I get

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." - Job 1:21

This is what you want
This is what you get
This is what you want
This is what you get
This is what you want
This is what you get - Bad Life, PiL

Though I incessantly seek it, I am not allowed to rest in certainty. My "why" questions are rarely answered and so much so that I try to invent reasons why my affairs are ordered in this way or that. I ask God, "Is this the solution?" only to have it be not only not the solution, but fuel for the random, dancing fire that has taken me over. Should I find comfort in the "No, not that. Well, not that anymore..." or the "This is as far as you go..." or the "I'm sorry but we're not doing that right now, or ever..."? 

I'll forever be the child asking the parent if they can go here, or spend that, or watch this, or stay up until this time. I know I want to give my children what they ask for. I really do and hurt a bit even when I hand down a wise decision. Does He? I know that their disappointment is often mine and I feel the sadness in their downward gaze as they say, "OK..." Not that it is OK but who are they and what do they have that I have not given them? Soon they'll move on but I never will. He is my lung filler and my heart constrictor. He can take those too and He will. Just not yet. Well, not right now.

There is no higher picture of Him than the one that gives and takes. There is no resistance. There is not even a downward gaze and an "OK". There is none of that. Not even a "Huh..." for He has taken in the middle of sleep and of whom does He ask permission?  He is the righteous Judge, Jury, and Executioner and there is no division to be found in Him. And there is no protest in all of His creation. 

What have I ever brought forth? What have I ever truly taken? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.


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