Impotence and relationship

Woke up one morning,
Shaking so hard.
I need Someone to hold onto.     - The Choir

Is there just a problem with me? I mean, what drives me to want God? Is it some psychological malady that drives me into the arms of someone I have never seen? Maybe there is some type of inadequacy in myself that coaxes me to seek solace and acceptance in some mythical man that is too unconditional in his acceptance of me as I am. Maybe it is guilt over the evil that I have pronounced on the world and the mud that I have made from gold. Maybe I have succumbed to a cheap parlor trick or been manipulated by some mind game played on me as a child. Maybe I am seeking the approval of my parents whom I love dearly.

I rather think that it is the wind that beats against the house and the realization that it could crush us. The bomb that could explode in my head that would make me lust and act in a way that could annihilate my relationship with my wife. The wars and rumors of wars, declared and undeclared, on every continent that rage with seemingly impenetrable rage. The neglect of the good things that I so often embrace with just a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest. The injustice pronounced and often preached from the pulpits of our nation. The impatience I show to my growing children when they stumble where they should. The idols that lay claim on portions of my life with alarming frequency.

If I am honest and there is a hint of accuracy to the way I see me, I do need Someone to hold onto. And He has to be big, enormous, gargantuan, universal, hyper-cosmic, transcendent. For when it crumbles and the fire has burnt that last of these pages there will only be One. Will He smile? Will He scream? Will I flee to Him? Will I run? Please, Lord, let me cover myself with just the hem of your robe. I despair for that particle of your raiment.

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