My definition

God's goodness does not depend upon our definition of suffering. - Cliff Johnson

And this is where I fall down isn't it? I have this notion in my head that I am the arbiter of the goodness of God. It comes out when I say, in my heart, that "God is good when ____________" or "God is good if ___________". Of course I would never say this out loud. I would never be so vulgar as to let that slip my lips. Talking with this Christian or my wife I will always offer up the platitudes that God is good all the time, but deep in my heart how many times have I tried to kill God or assail His reputation because, like a spoiled brat, I didn't get what I wanted? How many times?

Howe many times have I justified my sin because this happened or that didn't happen or because the good thing that He brought my way was not how I was expecting my prayer to be answered? How many times have I said to Him, "Not today God" in reference to prayer or even my devotional reading because He was available to me in the way that I wanted Him to be? How many times? What a wretched fool I am. What an ignorant little troll. God has been measured by me and found wanting so many times. What foolishness. What filth.

Thanks be to God Himself that he saved me. Oh my word what monster would i be save the saving grace that He showed to me. God depends on nothing of my own to justify or color who He is or how He will act. He is wholly other and I am glad that He is. If even the smallest stroke of His word was in subjection to an atom of who I am it would be a disaster. An unmitigated, unadulterated disaster.