Strangely familiar feelings

I have two sons. I remember when we brought the oldest son home from the hospital and we laid him in the bassinet that we had set up for him. We were wondering what to do next. He had nursed well at the hospital and we were pretty sure we knew what to do if there was any type of real danger, but we really had no clear idea what the ensuing day, let alone months, were going to bring. We muddled our way through it and messed up a lot of things. It was good to go through all of this together, but we were only marginally helpful to each other through the whole thing as neither of us really had any clue what to do. We were in the same boat together, however, so we knew that if it went careening down the falls we would all go down together. Thankfully that never happened.

Fast forward to the past couple of weeks with our oldest son. We are at a period in his life where there is a lot of change happening in his life. Dare I say that it is even more profound than his exit from his mother and into the world at large? I think it is and, suffice it to say, we are often times at a loss as to what to do. I do know that we have muddled our way through a lot of it and I know that what he is experiencing has revealed some real deficiencies in my relationship with God. I am in the process of getting those rectified. I am also hearkening back to those early days when we just didn't have a clue; where we must have messed up a million things; when we were convinced that we were going to screw this parent thing up permanently.

Our oldest son (our youngest one too) is a good boy. But that isn't what I am after. He is, much more often than not, obedient, sensitive, caring, and is not a heavy burden on anyone. But, again, if that is all he is I am a failure. He has accepted Christ as his leader (Lord) and forgiver (savior) but I want him to be much more than someone who looks at that as an event in his life - I want it to be a living, breathing, moment by moment reality. In that way it is so similar to his infancy but so much different. It is not about his physical needs as much as it is about his soul. It is not about bath time as much as it is about him desiring to cultivate a relationship with God. It is less about me teaching him things and more about him using the things that he has been taught. Or not.

I hate the "Or not" part. Dad, please help me to hate it more. Help me to recoil in holy fear from its fruit in his life.

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