Maybe I am doing it wrong?

Maybe I am doing it wrong but this life with Christ can get downright exhausting at times. In fact, if someone's goal is to be happy all the time I would recommend staying far away from Jesus. I would think that I could fashion a god that is impressed with most of my efforts to live a righteous life. I would say that a god who is less concerned about justice and unity and more about making me, as his or her subject, comfortable and rich would be more to my liking. Maybe a god who winks at sin (however that's defined) just once...or twice...or maybe at a certain number of sins a month would be a good thing. Getting the sin bank replenished every once and a while would be so much better than a God that demands perfection wouldn't it?

A god who can get distracted at times too would be just wonderful...as long as he or she isn't turning a blind eye to any legitimate wants or desires that I may have it would be a superb state of affairs. Then again there should be some sacrifice required by this god, but only if it is followed by copious blessings. I wouldn't want the balance tipped too far into that god's favor now would I? I am kind of digging a god who doesn't care about some small (or large) aspect of my life of my choosing so that I can have command and control over it. That would be so wonderful. I need free passes a lot and confession gets kind of old?

But through it all where can I go? What can I do? Does my fantasy god bring life? Will that god save me from myself? Is he or she a real source of power? Can that god really do anything about evil? Could that god ever speak even a modicum of truth about this life or the one to come?

As comfortable as I would be in my deception I just can't bear to go there. You've shown me too much haven't You? Why have You held out unswerving loved to me? How can I turn away from You?

Why do I turn away from You?

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