But what about now?

Yes. That is a hard question for me. What about now? What have I done in the last week, what evidence do I have, that I am different? Too often I find myself reaching back into the distant (and too distant) past for evidence that I am not the man I was. I think of this time in college or that time early in my marriage when there was a wholesale change in my life as if the last 10 years, 10 months, or 10 weeks really didn't matter at all. I can wax eloquently about how I need to change but when it gets right down to it, where is it? What is the change that I can point to and that people in my small group can recognize in me? Why aren't the discerning brothers and sisters in my life saying, "You know, you used to [be this way]...now there is something so different [in the way you are in regards to that]."?

Has my devotion grown more fervent? Is my speech much sweeter? Is my love more profound? Do I confess and forsake sin more readily? Is there anything that I understand more deeply? Do I talk about Him more? Do I talk to Him more? Is Jesus a bigger part of my life than he was last week?

Or am I growing more distant, more cold...using more words all the while becoming less committed and less loving towards Him and my neighbor? I can't blame Him for my lack of growth. He wants it in the worst way. Much more so than I do. So much more.