I want to be awesome

Evaluations are hard for me. Very hard. But they are such a gift. They are a gift I don't want. But they are a gift that I need. See how I am? The problem with me and evaluations is that I have a picture in my head of who I am and how good I am at a certain thing.

I am happy with that picture. Most of the time. One of the great things about that picture it that it is one that I can draw and re-draw as much as I like. I can even select a nice comment over here and a nice comment over there to provide a different perspective of that drawing. Maybe I could even use those nice comments to color my picture in a specific way. If there is a negative comment or two...as long as there are less than two (or three) I can ignore them and continue happily painting my picture of how awesome I am at something. I like my picture.

But, then there is the specter of the evaluation and the possibility that the picture I have in my head is not shared by those that observe me. In fact, the evaluation can be so negative that I would have to redraw some of the picture. Maybe I would even have to crumple it up and start all over again. What if I can't (read "won't") draw the picture that the evaluations demand I draw? What if the standard I believe I am meeting is not reflected in real life? What if I have let my Spiritual Gifts atrophy? What if I don't actually have the ones I think I do?

I do want to be awesome. I want to be comfortable in my picture of awesomeness that I have drawn up in my head. I don't want to be told something different. But I need that. Oh how I need that.

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