Newscasts (this is how my brain works)

I have been tasked with writing some newscasts to introduce the "virtue of the month" for our kid's worship service called HighPoint. I got the idea to do this from a CD I was given and, hopefully, I have been able to carry it to more ridiculous extremes. What the ministry leader wanted was a newscast that used the same beginning sound of the virtue of the month. I did the first newscast live which was all right, but this next one is going to be delivered via video which I think will work much better.

The virtue for this month (September) was "knowledge" and here is the content of the newscast:

Good morning and welcome to HighPoint News Nicely Nestled Near Noon.  My name is Ned Noodlebaum sitting in for a nominally nonchalant Nancy Newhouse.

Now, neighborhood news from Nevada:  A nationally-known, no-nonsense neurologist named Norman Newhart knew a nurse that was noticeably non-plused by her notoriously novel nostrils.

Suffering from nosebleeds she notified Norman that she lacked the knowledge necessary to note the nature of the nuisance and that she needed this nebulosity nullified before her November nuptials.

Newhart, an equally noteable nasologist and not one to neglect the needy, numbed the nose, nimbly negotiated his nasoscope, and neatly nipped the nasty nasal nausea.

Adding to Newhart's nasolabial knowledge he was not neglect to note where nascent, nocturnal gnats nest when they have a notion to nap.

So remember HighPointers, knowledge is learning something new so that you can be better at whatever you do.

My name is Ned Noodlebaum, for all of the New York natives necessary for this nonsensical noise, nighty night.

The virtue for next month is "determination" and here is the intended content for that newscast:

Good day and welcome to HighPoint News deftly distributed before December. My name is Dan Doohan sitting in for a decidedly dour Doris Donohughe.

We have details this day of dozens of disgruntled ducks dashing about downtown Des Moines devouring daisies and dirtying a days' worth of delightfully dry-cleaned diapers.

This deliberate, despicable defiance has doubtlessly been devised and dictated by a duo of destructive ducks designated as the Dukes of Debacle.

Discreet detectives dispatched to diagnose the devastation have a doorway to a display of deteriorating decency that defies description.

However, this deepening danger has not drained the determination of Deputy Darren Darling to delve into a distincit diversion to this disturbance and distance all despondent doubters from this dramatic destiny of doom.

We are depending on Deputy Darren Darling and all the dutiful denizens of Des Moines to dispose of this disaster before these dastardly ducks disappear with all our decadent yet delicate desserts.

So HighPointers, follow Deputy Darling's lead and remember that determination is deciding it's worth it to finish what you've started.

May name is Dan Doohan, for all of the do-nothing derilects desiring this diatribe to diminish...(test pattern inserted here)

If none of this makes sense rejoice in the fact that you don't live in the world that I live in.