Nonsensical Ramblings of Mark

It's "compatible"

2012-02-07T11:30:00.001-08:00

There was some fear in my heart as I moved from Windows XP and Outlook 2003 to Windows 7 running Outlook 2010. Fear that I would not be able to sync my trusty Palm Tungsten E with my calendar that is managed in Outlook. Well, it turns out my fears were more than unfounded. In fact, with the fix that I dug up on the internet, my synching actually works better than it did under XP. I was having a hard time making it work, but here are the steps I had to take:

Install Palm Desktop 6.2 but choosing to install just the HotSync Manager rather than the entire Desktop
Install the Outlook 2007 conduit updates from Palm.
Install a couple of DLLs from a guy named pizzaboy192 - the link for the DLLs is: http://pizzaboy192.com/downloads

The real "duh" moment for me was that I was following all of the directions, but could not get it to work. I forgot that when you replace the DLLs of a running program you have to restart the program. Once I did that with HotSync Manager everything worked perfectly.

It is good to be back in business with an old friend.

First, only, primary, exclusive

2012-01-30T05:26:00.001-08:00

I may be making too much of this, so if I am please ignore it.

I was thinking in service yesterday that I do Christ a great disservice when I put him first in my life. That seems to imply that there is this list of things, people, influences, etc. that are competing for my attention and affection and, above them all, there is Christ. I am wondering if there should be a list at all. At work or home I usually have a list (a mental one anyway) of things that I need to get done in a day. There is something that is first on the list and, when that is done, I get to numbers 2 through N in an attempt to clear it. Sometimes I get through all of the items on the list but I, almost always, get the first item taken care of.

This comparison may break down a bit but I am wondering, in regards to Christ, if there should be a list at all. I am wondering if, instead of Christ being the first of many things in my life he should be the "only"; instead of him as the primary influence he should be the exclusive influence. In my mind anyway it seems like less of an ordering of things that I can allow to influence me or devote time to (Christ, wife, children, church, work, etc.) and more of a solitary person and a single focus by which, and through which, my thoughts and activities turn. It is as if the earth could choose which star to revolve around. It is as if the sun was merely influencing its path rather than dictating it.

I am not all that sure that this is going to be helpful to me, but it is something that crossed my mind. I need to meditate on it and maybe incorporate it into my prayers to see what happens. Maybe it is too fine of a point to do anything of value for me. Or, maybe, it is much more than that.

Goofy geek test

2012-01-26T08:52:00.001-08:00

I took a goofy online test yesterday to help me determine if I was a geek or not. Well, actually, I wanted to know how much of a geek I was (according to this test) because, well, I know that I am a geek. I guess anyone who can say, "Oh I have seen this one before..." while watching the only real series of the Star Trek that has ever graced television (yes, the one that ran in the 1960's) can be considered, at least, a bit of a geek. Well, there were some questions that baffled me (decreasing my geek credentials a bit) but there was one in particular that disturbed me.

There was a question that asked what my favorite method for inputting text was. I had to select the QWERTY keyboard as the option for Graffiti using a stylus (that came with my Palm Tungsten E). This absolutely decreased by geek score on the test by an order of magnitude. And I am not bitter about it. Much.

For the Lord

2012-01-25T05:58:00.001-08:00

As much as I think I minister for an audience of One, it is hard for me to divorce "me" from the ministries that I have been called to. I want, so much, to minister on my terms and do what I think is the absolute best. It is so hard for me to subject myself to anything except me. Whenever the locus of control is somewhere else things work so much better. But I like me. I like me a lot. I like me so much that I would rather be ruled by me, even though I am a terrible master, than be under the authority of someone else. When things go my way I am so happy and convince myself that this happiness is really joy. I agree to myself that the cheese and crackers that I am eating is really Chicken French.

I am about to be on a different path in my ministry with the church now than the one I have been walking down for a while. It is easy for me to look back on the "good old days" rather than be captured by the wide-eyed wonderment of where God is calling me. It is easy to regret starting down the road that I have been called to abandon for something that could be so much better rather than step back and marvel that God uses me at all to advance His kingdom. And what a splendid kingdom it is!

My last breath was a revelation of God's sovereign will for my life. What He held out to me last night is a sign that He is not done with me yet. There is no doubt in my mind that I will struggle and stumble on this new road. Dad, I am going to need You to pick me up because I might not have the strength to do that. Please empower me to both lead and follow well. I want to thank You that You are always faithful to do that.

Doctrine + Ding = Coupons

2011-12-19T06:00:00.001-08:00

There are a few things that I have known to be true that have not translated into concrete action:

God's gift of Christ was personal, need meeting (for us), and costly (for Him)
Time is the currency of the 21st century
I need to imitate God in every area of my life
The gifts I give should reflect His nature and reflect the great gift of His Son

All that being said it is easy for me to see where I have missed it. It is very easy for me to give things rather than giving myself. It is easy for me not to invest time in things that are truly important. That being said I have decided that I am going to give some coupons to my boys this year for Christmas. Each one of them is going to get a set so that we can spend some alone time with each other, but they will be able to combine them if they want to. Only two of them (out of six) require spending any money, but I think they will like what I have put together. So, shhh - don't tell them but here they are:

Movie Night in the basement (includes popcorn, soda, and DVD of your choice)
Go Karts - No fair beating Daddy around the track and making him cry.
Free Food at the restaurant of your choice
Camping in the back yard or...wherever
Viewing the night sky through a telescope on a clear night in a dark place
Stay up late and play Wii with Daddy (when your brother is in bed)

I think that these may, more accurately, reflect the gift that God gave me in Christ than the other gifts I was planning on giving them. I have always known that with right doctrine came right living. I just never though that a more complete understanding John chapter 1 would result in Christmas coupons.

You are full of surprises, Dad, aren't you?

While he was brushing his teeth...

2011-12-14T07:19:00.001-08:00

While we were waiting for my youngest son to come down the stairs from brushing his teeth hilarity ensued:

[Unidentified noise from upstairs]

Nan: "Drew? Are you okay?"

Drew: "Yes, why?"

Nan: "It sounds like you have a bad cough..."

Drew: "Oh. No."

Nan: "Well, what was that noise?"

Drew: "Oh. That was my power spitting."

Mark: [under his breath] "Lovely."

Nan: [face palm]

Yeah...it's never boring.

Tebowing

2011-12-13T05:50:00.001-08:00

I am not naive enough (I kind of wish I was) to think that people are doing anything less than mocking Tim Tebow's expression of his faith in the "Tebowing" craze that is happening now. One of the explanations that I heard from a reporter of this phenomenon was (and I am paraphrasing): "Tebowing is the act of taking a kneeling position regardless of what is happening around you." That is a great explanation on a variety of levels, but it sobers me.

I always "Tebow" to something or someone. Always. In fact, there is never a minute in my life that I am not "Tebowing".

I would like to think that I, exclusively, Tebow to God. That would be the best wouldn't it? That God would be a part of my life to such and extent that my wife and children would be fully and completely loved, my service with His church would be reverently pure, and my work record would be spotless. I would love to think that people would be able to look at my life, my Tebowing, and see only Him (God, not Tim). But they don't...at least not as often as He wants them to be able to. That is because I Tebow to a million lesser things. I fashion a million gods to run to when I just won't take it anymore. I let my mind drift into places it shouldn't go. I tell stories to myself that simply are not true and that harm my soul. I don't have to kneel in front of a mall to Tebow. My heart does it all the time.

Tim Tebow doesn't care if you mock him. He is made of much stronger stuff. But I think that he also knows that when that guy had his picture snapped Tebowing in a men's room in front of three occupied urinals, well, he wasn't just Tebowing then. No, he was doing it the minute before and the minute after the image was taken. He had been doing his whole life and would continue to do it until he found his rest in his grave.

And that I do the same thing literally terrifies me.

When I left this morning...

2011-12-09T06:47:00.001-08:00

Hilarity ensued as I left for work this morning:

Mark: [to the boys] "Well, I will see you jamokeses later."

Drew: "Jamokeses?"

Will: "Daddy, you should call us 'pisans'."

[Uproarious laughter]

Mark: "Um, you guys are much closer to 'O'Malleys' than you are to that."

Yeah...it's never dull.

There is always enough time

2011-12-01T06:22:00.001-08:00

I hear it all the time and even think it more often than I should: "The weekend was too short"..."My vacation was too short"..."There is not enough time before Christmas"..."The season is too short for all that I need to get done"....and on and on.

The fact of the matter is that there is always enough time. Always.

I know that I don't always believe that, but to think that God has, somehow, shortchanged me in the amount of time that He has given me to accomplish His will for my life just doesn't compute. To think that He has lavished such grace on me to pay the price for my sinfulness and then not think that the same grace is operating in my life in the length of days that He has given me to accomplish what He has given me to do is irrational at best.

And then there is the dissatisfaction I have with Monday, and Tuesday...and every evening except Friday and Saturday. To think that where He has me at this point in time is something that I can improve on makes me His counselor. And I know how that attitude worked out for Job. That was an uncomfortable encounter with God wasn't it? Maybe even a bit painful.

The fact of the matter is, the gift of this day that God has given to me is exactly what I need. I do not want to be the one to frustrate Him by, right in front of Him, throwing away the gift that He has given me.

Dad, You are in this day and You smiled today when you gave it to me. Help me to love You more for the gift that You gave me.

Children and incarnation part 2 or 3

2011-11-22T06:05:00.001-08:00

I was vacuuming leaves out of the pachysandra the other day thinking about my children and how they are the incarnation (or enfleshment) of the love that my wife and I share. I have written about this before but I had another thought cross my mind. I remember great pain, in my youth, when I thought that my mom and dad did not love each other anymore. It is so obvious to me, now, that they did and still do. Yet in my inexperience and sheer emotionalism I recall certain times when I thought that their love was through. That it was going to be over. That was not something that I would want anyone to feel or to go through and I think I am gaining a better understanding of why that is.

Because our children are creatures of love (as the Talking Heads put it) my love for their mother is really the core, or the fabric, of their very existence. In some way, without intellectualizing it, my children know that the love that my wife and I share together, and us acting on that love, produced them and sustains them in no small measure. Obviously, God's work in our lives and their's is ultimately responsible for their being here at all. At the same time the love of God working in an through us is the clearest picture they have of why they are here.

When the love that their parents share is threatened (or at least perceived to be) the very fabric of why they are here is weakened and torn. The love that gave them flesh is suddenly pulled out from under them and their feet are not touching the solid foundation that they crave. I think that the only way to successfully overcome this is for them to throw themselves onto the love that God has for them and fully embrace His role in their lives...from its beginning until its end. Now, a loving parental relationship that points to a God that loves; the ones that produced their lives in concert with the One Who delighted to bring them life - that is the most blessed gift of all.

That is exactly what I had with my mom and dad. I pray that I will be able to give even a tenth of that to my boys.

People that like

2011-11-09T07:15:00.001-08:00

Early on in my Christian walk someone gave me some advice that has stuck with me. They told me to make sure that I hang out with people that like being married. They wanted that to be such a part of my life that I would shrink back from people who were always complaining about their spouses...even the ones that prefaced their comments with "Don't get me wrong. I love my wife, but..." It is so great to hear people talking about their spouses in ways that almost seem unbelievable. Yes, there are pollyanna people out their (I am one of them) but I know the ones that are so desperately in love with their spouses that they are broken about being unkind to them or neglecting even a modicum of their responsibilities towards them. It is not an obsession, but a level-headed acknowledgement of the gift that they have received from God Himself.

I have since extended that piece of advice to people who love, I mean really love, their children. These are not people who gush over their kids. I tend to get a little nauseated with a whole lot of bragging and gushing over how awesome someone's child is in every conceivable manner. I love hanging around people who want, desperately, to be the best parent they can to their children. Who love their children so much that they look forward to school vacations so that they can build into their lives in a more substantial way than they can when they are in school. People like my wife and others who have a deep, remaining love for their kids.

They are the ones that convict me and show me the new and living way to love the children that God has given me.

They are the ones God uses to, tangibly, show the love that He has for me. Even a dumb kid like me.

Adventures in the "Be Bold"

2011-11-07T07:35:00.001-08:00

This may come as a shock, but, I am not all that bold when it comes to sharing anything about my faith or God in general with people outside of a structured "faith-sharing" session. I just haven't gotten into the habit of steering the conversation (when it make sense) to my faith in Jesus or even dropping the fact that I am a believer and do believer-ee things. We had been challenged a bit ago in a church service to be bold - to really pray for and look for opportunities to share our faith in everyday circumstances. We also talked a bit in small group about just looking for small opportunities to let people know we are believers and strike up small conversations about it. Well, this was one of those days.

While I was getting my teeth x-rayed (yes, Virginia, they found a small cavity) at the dentist I had the hygienist ask me a rather innocuous question about whether the boys had a hard time getting up for school this morning because of the time change. Now I had been praying for opportunities to be bold and also talked in small group about just taking small opportunities and it almost seemed like God shouted into my brain "Tell her about Sunday morning!!!!" So I did. I told her that both of the boys were up rather early for church on Sunday morning and left it at that.

Making our way back to get my teeth polished, thanks be to God, the conversation continued. We talked about church a fair bit after that and I mentioned how I get to teach on Sundays and that Will serves in our kid's program. I even mentioned that we needed this as much as the boys do. It was small, maybe inconsequential, but it was a door that would have never even opened if not for God's prompting and His answer to my prayers. We'll see where it goes.

All that to say, thanks God. I know it didn't end in a Gospel presentation or the hygienist being radically saved (look...a Carman reference!) but now she knows that I am a church-goer. Please, use it God...I know it's not much, but you can use it. Right?

Now, there is no love without forgiveness

2011-10-31T08:29:00.001-07:00

I can imagine that it used to be quite different. The love that the Father, Son, and Spirit had for one another and the love shared between God and the, as yet, unfallen man and woman was on quite a different basis than we find today. In the Godhead itself there is no concept of debt and forgiveness as each One performs Their roles to the complete satisfaction of the Others. Without the disobedience of the pinnacle His creation there was no hint of mercy for there was no need of it. Adam and Eve were, graciously, given good gifts but did there was no wrath (anger against sin) to withhold from them. What a world that must have been.

But now what of the love that was back then? I may be making too much of this, but it seems to me that, with all of the frailty and sin that is part of who I am, I dare say that I cannot even begin to understand love without the foundation of forgiveness. I cannot fully love without being forgiven and comprehending how deep the debt was that has been removed from me. Jesus seems to point to this when He asks Simon the Pharisee: "When they [the debtors] were unable to repay, he graciously forgave them both. So which of them will love him more?" and then goes onto say "...her sins, which are many, have been forgiven; for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little loves little." Knowing the ubiquity of sin in my life and how indebted I am to my God, my wife, my children, and countless others I can say that I have been forgiven much. Knowing that I am sinful from birth and I have continued in that sinfulness these many years so much of my love for God and others is wrapped up all that they have forgiven me. I find little other basis for my love for them.

I think that this forgiveness of incurred debt is the number one reason why I am more in love with my wife now than I ever have been. It surely is the reason for the growth, (even the genesis?), of my love for her. Can I call what I had on my wedding day love? I think so, but it is the 90 pound weakling brother of the love that I have for her now. She has seen all of me, but still holds my hand and shows me her love in countless ways. My love for her has grown, primarily, through her forgiveness of my sins against her.

I see the same thing in my relationship with God. As He continues to forgive me and as I come to a deeper understanding of the indebtedness that I had to Him, I am amazed. Literally amazed and my love for Him grows. Leave it to God to put something like this together. I can't imagine a more redemptive use for the forgiveness that accompanies my sinfulness if I confess it to Him. He, remarkably, even uses elements of my sin, my rebellion, to bring me closer to Himself. That is a true masterstroke.

But what about now?

2011-10-24T10:15:00.001-07:00

Yes. That is a hard question for me. What about now? What have I done in the last week, what evidence do I have, that I am different? Too often I find myself reaching back into the distant (and too distant) past for evidence that I am not the man I was. I think of this time in college or that time early in my marriage when there was a wholesale change in my life as if the last 10 years, 10 months, or 10 weeks really didn't matter at all. I can wax eloquently about how I need to change but when it gets right down to it, where is it? What is the change that I can point to and that people in my small group can recognize in me? Why aren't the discerning brothers and sisters in my life saying, "You know, you used to [be this way]...now there is something so different [in the way you are in regards to that]."?

Has my devotion grown more fervent? Is my speech much sweeter? Is my love more profound? Do I confess and forsake sin more readily? Is there anything that I understand more deeply? Do I talk about Him more? Do I talk to Him more? Is Jesus a bigger part of my life than he was last week?

Or am I growing more distant, more cold...using more words all the while becoming less committed and less loving towards Him and my neighbor? I can't blame Him for my lack of growth. He wants it in the worst way. Much more so than I do. So much more.

If not Him, then who?

2011-10-21T05:05:00.001-07:00

If I hate His Word then what will mold me?

If I hate prayer then who will I confide in?

If I hate good then what will I become?

If I love evil then what will rescue me?

If not His strength then where will my confidence lie?

If not His firm foundation then what?

If not Him then who?

Thinking about Him or of Him?

2011-10-20T06:01:00.001-07:00

"I've been thinking of you". These are the types of cards that I like to give and get. To think that someone would dedicate any amount of their brain to thoughts of me is comforting on a variety of levels. Now, I may be making too much of this, but there is something quite different, in my mind, about thinking "of" someone when compared to thinking "about" someone. If I see an apple I think about my wife. She grew up around people who grew apples for a living and she has taught me everything that I know today about apples. Like never eat a Granny Smith or you can tell that it is a Macintosh because the flesh is a little softer than most apples. So apples cause me to think about Nan. Now, altogether different is thinking "of" her when, for example, I know that she is going to be going through something difficult or particularly pleasant at such and such a time. That causes me to pray, or rejoice, or try to enter into her happiness or sorrow as she is experiencing that particular thing. "About" seems to be born out of information while "of" seems, to me, to be born out of love.

I love thinking about God. There is no end to intellectual inquiry concerning His nature and His Son, Jesus either in this life or in the life to come. To me, thinking about God is quite easy and often very relaxing. Thinking "of" God is a little different. Because it does not happen too often for me I wonder if thinking of God would motivate me to do the right thing when presented with a choice. In other words, it is easier for me to think about God's omnipresence (the fact that He fills the universe with His presence) but quite a bit different for me to think of Him when I am tempted to sin. "About" is more inquisitive..."of" is more relational. In other words, there is not much of a relationship if all I ever do is think about Him. Just like when I hear American Graffiti I think about Harrison Ford. But, having never met the man nor understanding what his present joys and struggles are, I have never thought of him.

I pray that my thoughts of God will be more numerous today than they were yesterday.

Jumping Matchbox cars

2011-09-20T11:10:00.001-07:00

While I was worshiping with the church on Sunday a picture flashed into my mind that connected my life with God in a way that I hadn't thought of before.

One of my favorite pictures that has been taken on me (I sound a bit full of myself here don't I?) is one where I am with a "then" preschool boy and we have just employed a ramp that we had just constructed to launch a matchbox car into the air. We are looking at each other, mouths wide open, in total amazement at how well the ramp worked. As I recall the picture we, literally, have the same expressions on our faces as we revel in what the car had done. I think my joy was more in the connection that I had made to this boy and the laughing and smiling that we could do together as we built some semblance of a relationship around the common experience we were having. Both he and I were absolutely loving it and from, maybe, only slightly different angles.

As that picture played in my mind I wondered. I wondered how many simple times I have been thrilled about and lifted up to God's attention as if He hadn't planned it so long ago. I wondered if He got so excited during those times that we had the same expression on our faces (I am speaking anthropomorphically here)? I could almost feel Him clapping His hand down onto my shoulder and, laughing right along with me, and exclaiming "I know. Isn't it marvelous?" I wonder if he was thrilled, not so much with what I was bringing Him, but the fact that we were together in a love relationship? His condescension to me was evident in the direction my mind was going and I had that same lump in my throat that I have when I realize I am dearly and desperately loved.

My God feels it all and, as I serve Him, I pray that I will be moved by the same things that move Him.

To complete her joy

2011-09-16T07:54:00.001-07:00

Joy (and happiness for that matter) is completed when it is expressed. When something good happens, or even when I am given a godly perspective in the midst of great pain, I have a burning desire to share it with those that I love and even God Himself. It just seems so silly to tell God about what just happened or how I am relying on Him in the midst of great trial as if I am clueing Him into something that He doesn't, already, know. But He puts up with it doesn't He? He even desires it because He desires my good. He knows that it is good for me to complete my joy (and even my happiness) through expressing that back to Him. That is one of the reasons why it is so good for me to worship my God by reflecting back to Him all that He is to me. As I articulate the joy I feel as a result of who He is my greatest good is achieved. My joy goes all the way down and it sinks deep into the earth as a most suitable foundation.

I was, recently, on a business trip with a woman who was completely enamored with a new grandson. Mind you I really like children but she said that she was going to "wear me out" with how much she talked about him (she almost did). But, I was fine with that because I knew that there was a desire on her part to complete her joy and happiness by sharing it with me. That I was receptive to it and asked her questions about her grandson made it more likely that she would share more with me...and she did. Yet, I was glad to oblige because, well, that is exactly what my God does for me. And I want to be like Him.

Oh, God, do I want to be like you.

They were white like me

2011-09-13T15:07:00.001-07:00

I have to admit that this is a tough issue for me. I traveled by airplane from Rochester to Atlanta on a direct flight on the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on this country on 9-11-01. Thankfully I was with the church that morning and even got to teach the preschoolers and kindergartners in our HighPoint children's ministry. IN other words, there was plenty to distract me concerning the events that transpired a while back and the bit of fear I had in my heart concerning my travels on that day.

There is no excuse for the distraction that I leaned on to quiet my heart. I guess I am still a man and still need a savior.

At the gate at the airport I looked around to see who I would be traveling with. They were all white like me. Even the people who were not white were white enough that I felt comfortable traveling with them and my heart sunk into a more profound peace and rest. I knew that I would be arriving safely at my destination. But I didn't really know...did I?

There is no excuse for the judgments that I handed to my fellow travelers that day. I guess I am still a man and still in need of a savior.

As much as I pretend to think that death is my friend and a vehicle to transport me into the presence of God I wasn't interested in dying that day. I wasn't interested in leaving my wife and children in the hands of a loving God that saved me and blesses me every second of every day. I did not want to trust Him and, in so doing, I fashioned myself into the idol that I pretend to hate.

There is so much that was wrong with who I was that day. My trust was misplaced and I am ashamed that it was. I was driven to distraction rather than prayer and to sight rather than faith. There was so much hypocrisy and deceit. So much that was awful. Thanks be to God where my sin abounded His grace abounded all the more. He saved me again that day...all over again.

There was no cleaning that mess up

2011-08-26T05:45:00.001-07:00

We have a kitchen here in my building which is the source of no small amount of hilarity. We have a water dispenser in our refrigerator that I use to fill up a water bottle when I retrieve my lunch so that I can lay off of the soda. I have a tendency to turn sharply around corners in and out of rooms while I pretend in my head that I am being chased by Lex Luthor's minions. OK that part isn't true but the rest is.

So, cutting the corner a bit sharply this day I ran into someone. The force of the collision caused me to spill no small portion of the contents of my water bottle onto the upper half of this person's shirt. I knew her very well and quickly apologized, but at the same time I noticed that the fabric that made up the shirt was very water-repellant. It was doing its job particularly well that day and there were at least 50 beads of water that were dancing like little diamonds at a debutante ball. Ok, so, what do I do? I just baptized one of my co-workers (against her wishes) and had to perform some act of service. Do I offer to get her a paper towel? Do I comment on the weather resistance of her smartly styled shirt? Nope.

To her horror I am sure, and completely ignoring the voice in my head saying "HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT!! HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT!!" I reached out my nimble fingers in an attempt to wipe, yes wipe with my bare hand, the water from her, um, chest. Well, I can't be certain of this, but I think that the same angel that held back Abraham's hand from sacrificing his son was dispatched to my aid to hold mine from creating a truly awkward (and perhaps criminal) moment out of something that was merely unfortunate.

With cold sweat running down my neck and my heart racing knowing that I almost got to finally find out if mace really tightens my pores, I made way back to my desk and contemplated how I could have handled the situation differently. I still didn't offer her a paper towel. Or a compliment. But, under the circumstances, I think she was fine with that.

Inward...ever inward

2011-08-23T06:13:00.001-07:00

If I am other-centered I will give and receive with humility and grace. I have always known that to be true but I had never thought of why that is the case. I am trying to wrap my mind around this so please bear with me. If I am graceful I will be continually reaching out to people in need in a way that is truly helpful. There is a self-serving way of offering assistance and I have been both the giver and the receiver of that, but I will not go into this here. Now, if I am self-focused I will be so absorbed in myself that I will not reach out to offer any assistance to anyone. When I flip this around I see another dynamic where I would be so self-focused that I would shrink from the acceptance of an offer help from anyone. It is both humility and grace to accept the gift that I do not deserve as much as it is grace to give to someone what they need.

So when my ego gets in the way not only do I not reach out to others but I refuse help from them as well. This is good to know because now I have two symptoms to look out for as my pride rears its awful, ugly head. C.S. Lewis envisioned a Hell where the doors were locked from the inside. In other words the residents there were so self-absorbed that they would not reach out to God even when they were in torment.

I am not sure about Lewis' conception of that ugly, awful place but I do know that the closest I come to Hell in this life is not when I am in conflict or when there is a hurricane or even an firestorm. It is when I find my focus to be inward...ever inward.

Money is not an idol

2011-08-22T07:26:00.001-07:00

I had a chance to preach at the Monroe County Jail last night and my message was centered around the concept of idols of the heart that is found in Ezekiel 14:1-8. On my way home from the service I got to thinking about idols in general. This may be a bit inarticulate (ok, what isn't from me) and not that well-developed (ibid) but as I thought I something came to me: money, or anything else for that matter, is not an idol. Now I can stand to be corrected on this one but there is a reason that I am thinking along this line.

When I fashion a god out of something, and I do because my heart is an idol factory, I am doing it because I am proud. I am attempting to depose God from His rightful place as Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer and place an object or person on that throne that is not a god. Money doesn't do that. My family doesn't do that. I do that. So where is my trust? It is not in money at all. In fact, it is in my ability to both choose and create a god

So, where is the idol? Firmly planted in myself, my will, my opposition to God...in other words, my pride. Money, or family, or anything else that I shove in God's face and proclaim, "Here is your rival!" has no power save the strength I give it. There is no idol other than me. And I worship me far too much.

I wasn't the worst she had seen...

2011-08-18T13:15:00.001-07:00

So can't ya see me standing here

I got my back against the record machine

I ain't the worst that you've seen

Ah, can't you see what I mean? - Jump, Van Halen

Yes - I wasn't the worst that she had seen.

And, thankfully, and for some reason, her "You'll do..." was given back to me as "I do."

And for that I will forever be grateful. And more than a little stupefied.

God as road vs. God as destination

2011-08-18T05:37:00.001-07:00

I was ironing my pants this morning (no they were not on my body) thinking about the three times I need to teach on Sunday (twice with the church and once at the Monroe County Jail) and I had a strange thought. I asked myself how much more effective I would be as a teacher if I prayed, much more than I do, about my messages and the people I will be teaching. Now, apart from the fact that this is a "duh" question it was quickly followed by a rebuke that I was thinking more about my effectiveness as a teacher rather than my love for God and neighbor. Basically, I was thinking about using prayer as a means to better myself as a teacher rather than one part of my communion with God.

Then, almost as quickly, another thought came to mind. How many times to I use God as a means rather than the end? It is easy for me to see God as a way to respect, a good life, obedient children, and a hundred lesser things rather than the only person I would want with me if I was stranded on a desert island. He is not a tool for me to fashion my life in the way that I see fit. He is life. Plain and simple. I have to admit it is hard for me to pursue Him as a destination rather than use Him as a road to somewhere else. That is not something that comes easily to me as I am not as relationally-oriented as I should be. I don't readily reach out to people as I work in the garden or figure out how to arrange words in ScribeFire so that I am as clear as I need to be to get my point across.

And that is something I need to submit to the Holy Spirit who is all to glad to point me to the Father and His Son. Dad, help me to take delight in You and not in Your gifts or even the black smoothness of this way and the hum of my tires on the road You have put me on. I don't want to use You...I want to know You.

Is anything, ever, "all right"?

2011-08-17T05:20:00.001-07:00

I was listening to a lecture yesterday on my iPod and I heard a statement that I hear a lot and it got me to thinking. The lecturer was lamenting that it is hard for people to turn to God when everything is all right, but easier when there is a crisis. Now I know that this has (is) operated (operating) in my own life, but I started to wonder if anything is ever all right. Are all my family and friends saved and going to heaven? Am I making the absolute best use of God's money and the time He has given me? Are my responsibilities being fulfilled to the absolute best of my ability? Am I working out my salvation with fear and trembling? Is my thought life absolutely pure? Is my marriage as strong as it can be? Are my children as holy as they can be? Is my teaching as spot on and compelling as it could be? And the list goes on. It seems to me that there is always a ton to pray about and that it is only my limited perspective and attention span that does not have me praying my heart out 12 hours a day and 7 days a week.

Now, I know that there is some balance to all of this. Obviously a Christian who is happy all the time does not grasp what Christ has yet to do in their lives and one that is continually sad has not grasped what Christ has already accomplished. But to attach my lack of latching onto God on a life that is hunky-dory is, rightly, wrong. My life is not just fine. I need to face up to the fact that, although my life is not an unmitigated disaster (thanks be to God), there is plenty I need to guard against and offer up to Him in prayer. In all reality it is all I have. My strength isn't even my own as He could sap it all right now if He wanted. Or stop my heart. Or keep me alive for the next 60 years.

First things and incarnation

2011-08-16T05:48:00.001-07:00

Yes, I have a favorite definition of incarnation and that would be enfleshment.

I have written about pursuing first things and getting all that proceed from them thrown in as well as opposed to pursuing second things and losing both them and the first things. I have also written about my children being an incarnation, an enfleshment, of the love that my wife and I have for one another. Now, I see a connection between the two that I had not seen before.

If I pursue my wife with all my heart and love her the way God wants me to I will, naturally, love the people and even the things that she loves. Now, this can mean anything from her feeling good about finding a bargain at the grocery store or respecting a time table that she has set for getting some projects done or leaving the house. That is just natural. How much more would I love my children if I truly set all of my love and affection onto my wife? Not only does she love my boys very much (more than a bit understated) but they are here because of the love that we have for one another. They are a manifestation of that love. In pursuing her I am pursuing them and will come to love them in a way that would be impossible if I did not love her. I could fool myself into thinking that I love them if I do not love her as I ought, but I just don't want to be fooled like that. The other side of that is worth stating as well: If I love my children in the way that God wants me to I will love my wife with all that I am. More bluntly put - my love for them is measured by the love I have for her.

Now, if I pursue God above all, then the love I have for my wife and children will fall into place. I will have received both first and second things. My love for God will also spill over into a love for His church, my neighbors, and His non-human creation. I will seek to do the most loving thing possible whenever I am confronted with a choice between doing good or evil.

Into the fray that heals

2011-08-15T06:01:00.001-07:00

I am working on viewing my world, my life, more like a hospital than a resort. Now I can't say that I have ever been on a resort vacation (or even a cruise for that matter) but I understand that they are very nice. Very nice indeed. So nice in fact that if something is out of place it gets taken care of. And once it does one can go back to resorting (is that a verb?). I have a tendency to treat life that way. If something is out of place I have a tendency to want it to be taken care of so I can go back to life. I want it removed so that I can live my life the way I think it ought to be lived: from my magic barcalounger of remote control. There my travelogue can be completed on screen while being fully liked and profusely commented. Look at my photo album of my stay under the stars - they were happy to see me and I was loved there!

But something is desperately wrong with me. Something so dark and sinister that I dare not leave the gurney that He has lifted me onto. I can barely walk if I skip my prescribed dose of this or that as the ways outside of this white, hard-floored box of this world, this life, would sweep me straight into Hell without me even knowing what had happened.

No, my world is not a vacation. I am being fitted for much more than that. This fray that I have entered through being born again into His family is, bit by bit, healing me. It is making me whole all the way down as His Word and His love is make me wholly different than who I am. My happiness is secondary to my holiness and I have pangs of the tiniest foretaste of what it feels like to be where He is, ultimately, taking me. Those drops are enough, at times, to stand against the full-throated drink that this world offers.

Yes, I am being healed. But the medicine burns, God. It burns so badly before it brings relief to my aching limbs.

The dialectic and chronological snobbery

2011-08-12T05:29:00.001-07:00

Arriving at the truth via the dialectical method (thesis, antithesis, and synthesis) is not an entirely bad way of doing things. This is especially true when the parties in the discussion are not absolutely committed to the positions that they are holding. One of the assumptions that is often engrained in the method is that the synthesis is superior to both the thesis and the antithesis. At some level (maybe a social/relational one) the synthesis is, far more often than not, superior as the new position is held by both parties and they can trot off, hand in hand, in mutual understanding and regard for one another. But, there is a danger in this assumption as it can lead to chronological snobbery.

There are many people that will assume that if a thought, idea, or explanation of reality is newer it is, by fact of being newer, superior to anything (or most things) that preceded it. This is often implicit in people rejecting the Bible, for example, because it is so old. They know that there have been great advances even in the last 30 years in transportation, medical care, and toasters so, naturally, they assume that similar advances can be transferred to musical expression, theology, philosophy, and other areas. This isn't always the case, however, and we (I include myself in this as well) need to make sure that what is replacing the old is actually a good replacement. I would hate to have to eat sherbet instead of vanilla ice cream just because someone told me it was the new and better thing to do.

Change for the sake of change may win elections, but if it improves things it would be purely by accident. I need to make sure that the novel, which is often a synthesis of competing ideas, is a shiny object I actually want to grab and hold onto. And that takes a lot of work.

God, Father, and Dad

2011-08-11T11:15:00.001-07:00

On my way home from Louisville last night I was listening to a podcast from Ravi Zacharias and I realized something. I realized that when I pray with my boys I always address God as "God" and never as "Father". Now, obviously, as a sentient creature addressing my Creator there is a certain, and very intimate, relationship that I am communicating as I address Him that way. What could be more amazing than recognizing that God knows every thought, sinew, and cell in my being better than I or any scientist could? Yet, God, it seems, wants me to go even further still. He doesn't want to me to think of Him merely as my Maker. He wants me to realize that I am His son and that it is an all-together different relationship than the Creator-creature one. That is one that I can grab a hold of much more readily as I think of the godly example that my own father set for me and how he consistently shows me how to love through loving me. Maybe that is one that my sons would like to hear from me to set their hearts into a distinct direction of contemplation.

On a related but separate note, I wonder if I could go so far as call God "Dad" when I pray. I have called Him that before and it seemed natural to do when I did in the situation I was in, but I still wonder if it's appropriate. There are just some times in my life when God was more of a "Dad" to me than a "Father". I would hate to use certain words when talking to God merely to make a point or instruct my boys, but at the same time I do need to open myself up to addressing God in ways that He wants to be addressed. Is "Dad" ok? Will I be losing the reverence that I must have for the only God this universe has ever had?

And then I wonder if His heart would delight in being addressed that way as much as mine does when one of my sons calls me "Dad"? What a thrill it is! "Dad can I..." or, even better, "Dad can we..." are so sweet to my ears and I love to hear my name replaced by "Dad". Mark, and especially Francis, just doesn't have the depth of "Dad". My first, middle, and last name doesn't satisfy my soul as much as "Dad" does. I wonder if it is the same way with God? I wonder if He thrills to the sound of "Dad" more so than "God" or even "Father".

I may never know. Even when I reach heaven's shores I may never know.

MY friend death (revisited)

2011-08-08T05:17:00.001-07:00

I have written before about viewing death as the friend that he is to me. Since then I have been struggling a bit with "visiting" him in the ultimate sense. I know that I am called to put to death the deeds of the flesh and to die to myself. These things seem like correspondence (whether by email or even IM) with my friend rather than the flow-blown visit that I will have with him when God tells me that my time here is up. But the obvious question (at least to me) is this: If he is such a good friend, what is holding me back from that visit? Why not knock on his door and embrace him the way friends embrace: fully and completely?

In thinking about this a bit more I got to thinking about an imaginary friend (erm, not that kind) in a far-off country like, say, India. No matter how good this friend is to me visiting him in India would require resource expenditures and commitments from me that would be irresponsible at this point in my life. There would be a time to visit him, but now would not be the right time.

I think about my friend, death, in much the same way. To force my way to him (like my far-off friend in India) would be foolish. The resource commitment that would require and the wake of my departure to him would be very difficult on the people that I love more than anyone else on the planet. Now, if my friend would come knocking at my door would I let him in? I believe that I will know when he has been sent by Him and it is then that I will welcome him to this body of mine.

And we will feast together. My will we eat and drink until we are full!

The heart of the (f)Father?

2011-07-26T05:37:00.001-07:00

We sent our son (the one who acts like me) to bed last night without any dinner. We really had no choice in the matter and I know it was the right thing to do given the issue we were dealing with. Yet I couldn't help but miss him at the dinner table. It diminished my time there and my oldest son, upon being put to bed, was worried that he would not be going to Seabreeze with us tomorrow. Mind you, I didn't miss the behavior that landed him in his room. I would have to be more than a fool to long for that. But here I was in the midst of his self-imposed exile to his room for the night missing him. My love for him sent him to his room. That same love for him wanted him in his chair to my right.

I have often remarked and written of the fact that I am more in touch with the emotional side of God's great love for me now that I am a parent. The passages in the Bible that deal with parent/child relationships have a real depth to them that they never had now that I am a father. I know that I can't transfer all of my feelings onto God because, much of the time, they are left wanting in the motive department. But I wonder if the feelings I had for Drew last night is the longing He has for me when I stray? Even in the midst of my discipline, one that is a result of my own sinfulness, does He cry out to me "Turn back. Turn back so we can hold hands again."? Is the love that moves Him to drive me, for a time, from His closer presence the same that carries His heart to me as I lie on my bed hungry for lack of food that He has withheld from me?

I pray he has learned his lesson because I ached for him last night. I pray that I do not have to serve him again by punishing him today. I will do it if I have to, but I will have to swallow hard knowing that it is right, but neither easy nor pleasant.

Pure questions

2011-07-25T05:41:00.001-07:00

There is not much in my life that is more thrilling to me than asking questions of people on topics that I know nothing about nor have any preconceived notions around. We were with friends last night and I found myself at a table with a farmer. Now I had heard that this has been a particularly challenging year for farmers with the wet Spring and excessively dry Summer so I asked a question to either reinforce what I had heard or to soften it. His answer lent the former view more credance so I received what I was after. That was not what I would call a pure question as I had a motive for my asking it. I can also say that asking questions in order to get to know the person...

Bugh. Did you ever start something that you thought was a good idea but got so bored that you couldn't bear to finish it? That is what it feels like with this post. I could chalk it up to lack of discipline or sleep, but I think that would be overstating the issue. I have aabout a billion more things that I would like to do instead of this so I think that I will go and do one of them.

How much to uncover

2011-07-21T08:44:00.001-07:00

Spring and Summer, for some reason, always catapults me back to my younger years and ushers in bouts of reminiscence and a lesser amount of introspection. These activities have been muted somewhat in recent years but they are still there. There are certain songs from my younger days that seem to bring back old hurts and pain that I encountered and, at least I thought, adequately dealt with:

It's My Life - Talk Talk
How Soon is Now - The Smiths
The Verdict - Joe Jackson
Down By the Sea - Men At Work
Burning Flame - Vitamin Z

Given the pervasiveness of Youtube and the ebb and flow of 80's music that I run into I find myself, on occasion, hearing and playing these songs. The feelings are more muted but they are still there. I can trace some of the feelings back to certain instances in my life...things said and left unsaid...that left me wondering about this and that. There are others that are there and, well, they are just there with no real connection to someone or something. Thanks be to God He used these feelings to bring me into a realization that I wasn't home yet and to help me to get in touch with the longing for the real world.

But I am wondering how much of this stuff I should really uncover. Should I just leave it at where I have it now or should I go deeper. I mean to say that I seem to think that I am reasonably well-adjusted...how much of the apple cart to I want to disturb? Do I need to sort out which events were real or imagined to be who God wants me to be? Or do I press on knowing that He redeemed all of that and made it into something beautiful?

Too many questions. Thankfully my hope doesn't rest in the answers to them. It rests in the Answer Himself.

How can I die today?

2011-07-20T05:25:00.001-07:00

There are a couple of things that are operating in my life, and in the world, that prompt me to ask "How can I die today?". The first is that I need to die in order to truly live. The second is that I, as strong, must descend to serve the weak or, more palatably put perhaps, the ones in need.

The Bible infuses my physical death with meaning as it will end my rebellion and usher in a new life that I have only heard about and rarely, if ever, received a foretaste of. But I find that, while living, when I die to myself in taking up my cross daily and relinquish my rights, there is a life on the other side of that death that is truly life. Those are the times when my heart is full and my soul is at rest and full of peace. Those are the times when (as Chris Rice puts it) I can almost hear the angel's wings and I can feel His good pleasure. Those are the tears of joy I shed. Snatching my rights back again in an attempt to fuel my own resurrection finds me looking over a wrecked landscape where I often shake my head in disbelief and mutter, "What happened?". In dying to myself and in serving other people I find joy. Not happiness, mind you, for in the midst of the service I can strain and groan at times, but joy is there just on the other side.

The second is like it. In my strength I must serve the weak or the needy. It is in doing this, in this descent, that I picture and, dare I say emulate, the incarnation of the Son of God. When I serve my wife I do not abdicate my headship of my family...I activate it. When I look for ways to be available to my sons I do not subject myself to them...I exercise my leadership over them. When my oldest son comforts his younger sibling he stoops in much the same way that God has to comfort me in my times of distress and gives me a picture of what He did to save me.

So, where is my descent into death today? My God...I saw Yours this morning didn't I?

Rochester Red Wings game - 7/17/11

2011-07-18T06:06:00.001-07:00

I was scheduled to preach at the Monroe County Jail last night and, thanks to a kind friend who stepped in for me, I was able to shed that responsibility to go with family and friends to the Red Wings game last night. The game was not unusually long but thankfully it started at 6:05 p.m. rather than 7:05 p.m. so that we could also take in the RPO concert, fireworks, and let the boys run the bases after all of that frivolity was completed. After it was all said and done we were actually home by 11:00 p.m. and we had an excellent time.

When we were younger I fondly recalled the times I spent with my dad and brothers and sisters taking in the games at Silver Stadium. I loved going to the ballpark and am so happy that our family gets to attend games at a stadium that is so much nicer and easier to access than Silver was when I was younger. I told my boys that we generally sat along the third base line when we were growing up, but our traditional spot will be sitting along the first base line. They seemed to be very happy that we had our own tradition and I am glad that we do. I wonder, if they have a family of their own, they will switch back to third base or if they will sit high above home plate to watch the pitches come in.

At any rate these are the simple times that seem to knit us together as a family. On the way out of the stadium Drew thanked me for getting the tickets and I saw a bit of his heart. A heart that I need to have, in ever increasing measure, toward my God that gave me good things last night. He is to be praised for what happened and for the smiles that were on their faces.

In or out?

2011-07-15T05:54:00.001-07:00

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world - Welcome to Our World, Chris Rice

This idea is not a fully-baked as I would like it to be. I really like Chris Rice and his writing and musical style suit me quite well. I still think his song Deep Enough to Dream is one of the best songs I have ever heard and I appreciate the sentiments expressed in the above-quoted song Welcome to Our World. I just can't help but think that it is a bit flipped around. Obviously, this is not "our world" as I have been given God's world to manage. And I can only be an effective steward of it when I am truly his son or daughter in both position and practice. But that is the most obvious point and I can explain that away a bit.

Perhaps more subtly this song can be seen as a misrepresentation of one of the purposes of the incarnation (enfleshment) of the Son of God. Rather than Christ coming to earth to enter into my reality I am given a picture of reality. I screwed things up so badly and had such a twisted view of what was real that I needed Someone to set me right. It turned out this was more than a mere schooling of what truly is versus what I think is true. It was a saving. It was only Him saving me from the consequences of my sin that could set me right and give me the perspective of what all this means and where it is going. God was not on the outside looking in and then, through the incarnation, on the inside looking out. I was looking through a darkened and dusty window into the world...the reality that He knew. That He made.

So, instead of me welcoming the Son into my world, what he did was welcome me into his. He was fully aware of what he was getting when he took on flesh and dwelt among us. I, on the other hand, had no idea what the implications were. I still don't. Thanks be to God I am getting there. Slowly. Most days.

Studly prayer

2011-07-14T08:22:00.001-07:00

This may surprise some of you but I was not always the picture of masculinity you see before you today. In other words, it took a while before the powers-that-be would name hotmail.com after me. I remember well the insecurities that flooded my mind in high school and college as I wondered if the girl that I had some attraction to had the same feelings for me that I did for her. Unarticulated and unrequited attraction is one of the worst feelings in the world isn't it? The fear and trepidation I also recall as I asked this girl or that to the dance or out on a date. Thanks be to God that, more often than not, it was a "yes". I didn't get turned down too often but I didn't try to get too crazy with the requests either. I knew where I stood.

I see the same dynamics at work in my children to as they ask me for this or that. There are some requests that are right on the edge of their confidence of being granted by me and they often preface the question with: "Daddy, I know you are going to say 'no', but..." Thankfully they still ask me but I know that the "no" I sometimes need to answer isn't softened much...even on those long-shot requests.

I get this way with God too. Sometimes my prayers seem so outlandish and ridiculous that I find myself fearful to even articulate them. Yet He wants me to, doesn't He? He is more like me and my own sons in that regard and less like the girl that would be insulted if I asked her to the dance. He wouldn't show the same combination of disdain (of my audacious request) and relief (that she had a better date than me) that some girls would. He wouldn't pity me either. He would lovingly answer. And the loving thing to do is to not always grant what I ask for. Even my pestering wouldn't sway Him for he truly loves me. He has genuine, truth-filled love for me.

So, I need to be more bold. I need to talk to Him. Is there any other way to see, to the fullest measure, His provision in my life? I can't think of one. So ask away, my sons, and I will promise to ask Him as well.

Corning Museum of Glass - family audio tour

2011-07-14T07:17:00.001-07:00

Drew always wanted to go to the Corning Museum of Glass (CMOG) so we took him there on his birthday. We had a great time and would recommend the trip down to Corning for anyone that is interested. The boys made their own sandblasted glasses with designs that they produced on them (with stickers of all things) and the shows were very fun and informative. The boys want to go again which is a sign that they enjoyed it as well.

One of the things that enhanced our experience to a great degree was the Family Audio Tour that we downloaded from the CMOG website and loaded into our MP3 players. They do have an app for the various Apple and Android tablets and smartphones, but we chose to download the audio portion and got it into the various music players we own. There was a separate adult and family tour so I chose to load all of the MP3 players up with the family one. There are certain pieces throughout the museum that have a tag with a number next to them and a symbol that denotes whether it is part of the family or the adult tour. We simply had to scroll to the number that was displayed and we received some details about the piece that were delivered in a kid-friendly way. I could easily see an adult spending 1.5 to 2 hours in the gallery just listening to all of the details presented on the various pieces. It is different than a guided tour (which has benefits of its own) in that we could go at our own pace and linger a bit longer not having to keep up with a group.

If you are going to visit CMOG and have the necessary equipment I highly recommend loading it up with the tour audio files or downloading the app from these URLs:

Audio Tour: http://www.cmog.org/dynamic.aspx?id=7262
Mobile App: http://www.cmog.org/dynamic.aspx?id=282

There are iPod Touches that you can rent there for $3 as well that has the app pre-loaded on them. That seems like a good deal to me as it enhances your experience to a very great degree. Nice work CMOG. We'll be back.

My wife and children - first and second things

2011-07-13T05:49:00.001-07:00

"First things first, but not necessarily in that order." Doctor Who, Meglos (1980)

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

One of the more important concepts or, dare I say, principles of the Christian faith is that of first and second things. God is first and all of what we see in this universe is second. A true appreciation, perception, or even love for the earth can only be found in our pursuit of God. If we pursue Him we receive this earth into our being as it was meant to be received. Something other than that will result in misunderstanding at best or idolatry at worst.

I am wondering if I can press this into something that I had heard concerning marriage especially when children are involved. We have always told the boys, and others, that their mom and dad love each other more than they love them. It is hard to explain to them but I think they have at least accepted it as a reality. Obviously, my wife came before my children. In fact, our children are an incarnation (or enfleshment) of our love. If I were to pursue my children, and place my love for them above my love for my wife, then I will receive neither their proper love nor the love of my wife. If I pursue my wife, and put my love for her above the love I have for my children, then, and only then, will I receive both. Of course God is pursued above all as He is the one who is truly first.

I think this works. Obviously if I am pursuing God with my whole heart then the priorities of the rest of my relationships will fall into line. And that is the key for me. If I find that the love I have for my wife is growing cold it is absolutely due to the fact that my love for God has first grown cold. A hot and bright love for God will result in the same for my wife and children. In that order.

I need to think about this a little more. I hope that I have not added too much to the rather simple concept of first things by making it into a principle. Eh...I've done worse things.

Phantoms and abortion clinics

2011-06-28T10:00:00.001-07:00

In the Great Divorce C.S. Lewis highlights a series of conversations between men and women that are phantoms and the Solid Ones...the ones who have embraced the cross and become what God had intended them to be all along. It is hard for me to know how phantom-like I truly am as a man and even more confusing now that I have trusted Christ for my salvation and, in so doing, have been made his servant. On one hand I am nowhere near (in practice) what He has made me to be or what He wants me to do. I just haven't gotten there yet. On the other hand, a life without Him is so foreign to me, so other-worldly, that I can scarce remember it. But I was there, thanks be to God I *was* there. So how solid am I? What mix of phantom and flesh do I have? I don't know but I do care. A great deal.

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read "Guns don't kill people...abortion clinics do." I initially thought it was quite clever and, the more I thought about it, the less clever it became. Just like there isn't one gun that has leaped off of the table in and of itself and killed someone there isn't one abortion clinic that has kidnapped a woman and performed an abortion on her unborn child. We, as people, are evil; objects and places, no matter how vile we may make them out to be, are not. They just aren't nor can they be without human or devilish intervention. To relegate a gun or a clinic to an act of evil is misguided and wrong and deflects the source of all evil - my heart. I am not a doctor who performs abortions nor am I even a gun owner. But I will not blame our nation's ills on anything inanimate. Jesus didn't die for a Smith and Wesson or for a particular doctor's office that does "those things". He died for me. And for good reason. I needed him to absorb the wrath of God that was being poured out. Poured out on me.

An amazing invitation to serve and proclaim

2011-06-24T13:19:00.001-07:00

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?”...

...Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” They came out of the town and made their way toward him...

John Chapter 4

What a vessel she was this woman who had 5 (implied still living) husbands and was living immorally with another man of whom she didn't bother to marry. Yet, here is my Christ asking her for a drink and ministering to her. Her response to carry the message (albeit imperfectly) that the Messiah had come is so beautiful...she must have been in love with him. Who knows how many people put their trust in him that day but one thing is certain: they would not have come if the woman had not gone to get them. Given her reputation I am surprised anyone came. Truly God makes all things possible.

Even more amazing is the fact that he chose her, even her, to serve him and to spread his message to the town.

And more amazing still that he has chosen me to do the same and hasn't shut my mouth out of sheer embarrassment over who I am.

An uneasy comfort

2011-06-21T07:32:00.001-07:00

Strange, isn't it, this relationship I have with this world that I find myself in.

All at once I feel a connection with the mountains, the water, the soil, but then there is something that snaps me out of my easiness and into a wariness that reminds me that I am not home yet. As the sticks and leaves crackle beneath my feet I hear sounds both familiar and strange...a different sort of sameness all the while. And then just a flash or a pang that rocks me both enlarging my experience and requiring me to assess, yet again, whether this world is my friend or foe.

My heart yearns for this life and the one that is coming at, seemingly, the same time. I find myself taking comfort in the passage of time and marvel at its quick passage. The snow brings me both great happiness and strain. The rain that softens the soil and greens the grass drowns the flowers and rots the wood. The sun that warms the earth and lightens my hair burns my skin and bakes everything ill prepared for its exposure to it.

I am both a son of this world and, thanks be to God, a son of the next. And as I run and jump and struggle and plod I find myself both a citizen and foreigner to each.

Watson and Will

2011-06-08T05:30:00.001-07:00

Watson, a computer with advanced linguistic and deductive abilities and plenty of horsepower developed by IBM, defeated a couple of Jeopardy champions more than a few weeks ago in a much-publicized match. Being the geek that I am I was interested in this sideshow as well as the long-term use for a machine like Watson in the "real world". I was excited to hear that it would be put to the test in the medical arena to digest symptoms of patients and to attempt to diagnose their reported ailments. The frustrating reality for a lot of patients when trying to track down what might be wrong with them is that there is usually someone, somewhere who has run into this type of thing before and could offer a good diagnosis or an effective treatment. However, as advanced as we are and as complicated a machine the body is, the knowledge can still be somewhat diffuse and hard to come by.

We had a situation when Will was a young boy where he was hypoglycemic. It took the doctors here a while to determine what was wrong with him as his symptoms were very much like a child with meningitis. Early tests ruled this out and we were left with a bit of a mystery. The doctors in the hospital struggled for a couple of days to determine what was wrong. It was not until a specialist, who just happened to be on the premises, took a look at Will's tests and determined that he had an intolerance to fasting which is commonly referred to as ketotic hypoglycemia. I often wonder, if God hadn't have had that specialist there, if we would have ever figured out what was wrong with him and what we could do to prevent future episodes.

So the promise of a machine like Watson is very personal to our family. I hope and pray that it will help make medical knowledge more readily available to doctors as they diagnose and treat patients. I would love to see the next child with a condition like Will's successfully diagnosed even in the remotest parts of the world. Thank you God for the sciences as they are, by your grace, slowly making us more effective stewards of this world.

Constant change and assessment

2011-06-07T06:00:00.001-07:00

I have noticed something lately. And it has taken me a while to do so. I am sure that it has more to do with my thick skull than anything but this has hit me hard lately. Our church is changing, assessing the changes, and then changing again. Nothing is in steady state and there is nothing that is not subject to scrutiny. I had a short conversation with a fellow church member and I mentioned to them that the only thing that we can expect around our church is more change. This can get exhausting at times because as flexible as I am I am not one that seeks change naturally. I would love for there to be a time in our church where things just stayed the same...just give me 6 or 8 months of "normal" and I think I'll be good. Just let me catch my breath and get my feet on the ground so that I can see where I am going.

And here is the rub: this is how church must be. Everything that is not Biblically mandated is up for grabs. Everything that is not fulfilling the order to go and make more and better disciples of Christ is subject to revision or the chopping block. Nothing can stand still and all those years in all those churches I was a part of where ministries remained largely intact and unchanging for years or even a decade or more weren't doing it right. As painful and as exhausting as the changes that have been coming to our church it is so necessary. We do not have a choice in the matter. If we are going to be the church in 2011 we had better look a little different than we did in 2009 because the people that we are trying to reach with the Gospel certainly do.

But it is a lot of hard work. It is really hard. And that is exactly what it should be. Thanks be to God that someone worked hard to reach me. How can I do anything but for the people God loves?

Prayer for Kindergarteners

2011-06-02T05:43:00.001-07:00

In my quest to make things understandable for the HotSpot kids I teach (PreK through Kindergarten) I tackled the subject of prayer last week. It was a challenge to explain that prayer is more than getting things (even things for other people) and more of a way for us to be more like Christ. Here is what I came up with:

How do we talk to God? Prayer...prayer is talking to God
Isn't it great that God wants us to talk to Him? He loves you and me wants to hear from us all the time
He wants us to talk to him about good things that have happened to us and bad things that have happened to us
He even wants us to ask Him for things...anything...
He loves to give us things and He has a goal for you and me – He wants to make you and me to be just like Jesus
And that means when we pray to God and ask Him for something, well, He could give us one of three answers
· Let's pretend you ask your dad if you could play with a knife...what do you think they would say? Why?
Sometimes we ask God for things that He knows would be bad for us – and He says no and it is no forever. He doesn't want us to get hurt.
Let's pretend it is your birthday and your mom brought home a great looking birthday cake for the big party later with all your friends. But it looks so good you want a piece right now...what do you think that your mom will say? Why?
Sometimes we ask God for things that He wants to give to us, but He knows that it will be better for us if we get what we have asked Him for at a later time. So he'll say no, but only for a little while
OK, let's pretend that dinner is all done and the table is full of dishes and you ask your parents if you can help clean up the table. What do you think that they would say?
Sometimes we ask for things from God that are right on target – they would be good for us and help us to be more like Jesus. Those are the things we get a big YES about
Even if we think that God will say No to something He still wants us to ask him – He loves it when we talk to Him and you have to know that...
You can talk to God about anything

The "you can talk to God about anything" part was part of the curriculum we were using and is the "bottom line" which underpins the lesson. Each week there is a bottom line to sum up why we are up there talking about this stuff at all. I think the kids got into the question and answer format as it was a bit of a departure from the way things were normally done. As always - comments, accolades, and rebukes are more than welcome.

If I am teaching I need to teach

2011-05-20T12:48:00.001-07:00

I have had the opportunity to teach 4 year olds all the way up to 74 year olds and I have determined in my heart that I am going to treat each opportunity the same. The same amount of preparation, mindshare, thought, and creativity has to be present in my teaching regardless of the audience. I have to admit that I get a little frustrated when thoughts creep into my mind that just because I am teaching so-and-so or just because the topic is such-and-such I can get away with giving it a little less than my best. I need to continually remind myself that I am subject to the same Master regardless of what I am tasked to do and that He, rightly, demands all of my energy. There is no "minor leagues" with Him - no gig that He has given me that I can mail it in on. It is all or nothing every week. Every minute.

I recall a statement that was made by the lead singer of Whitecross a while back stating that he was tired of Christian musicians not seeking excellence in their art because they are doing what they are doing "for the Lord". He thought that statement should be flipped around and would be more applicable to artists that would be more fame or money-driven. Doing something "for the Lord" should have me shaking in my boots and on my guard because He knows when I try to pass garbage off for a meal.

I do get tired, but there is nothing left to do but press on. If I put my hand to the plow I will devote my full attention to the field. I will also rest in His mercy and grace knowing that I have and will continue to fail in this area. I just pray that my failures are less and less spectacular and that my successes will point only upward.

A journey into the secret things

2011-05-17T10:49:00.001-07:00

I had a chance to talk about how God talks to us today to the students at Northridge Christian School (including my own) and I told them that God reveals His sovereign will to us in history. Of course I didn't quite use those words, but I did tell them that I was not sure if it was God's will for me to make it to work after the chapel service because it hadn't happened yet. After the service, as I drove to work, I thought about how awesome it was that I was continually on a journey into, and continually on the edge of, the secret things of God.

Every heartbeat that I have is a revelation of God's sovereign will in my life. As he arranges the moments of my living and as they occur in rapid succession I find myself a chronicler of sorts recording my God's sovereign, overarching will for my life and in the lives of the people I come into contact with today. It is mind-blowing to think that as I drift off to sleep and even before I wake I am both a receptacle and proclamation of that which He wanted to have happen. The horizon of His will is ever before me and the clear picture of it ever behind. Such is the infusion of purpose and meaning into the life of this oft-wayward son of His.

Not too long ago the contemplation of God's omnipresence permanently altered my sense of place. I believe that this will, in no small measure, transform the passage of time.

Bin Laden's death

2011-05-02T05:38:00.001-07:00

There seems to be a bit of "finality" in my spirit this morning as I heard the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces in Pakistan. This finality has brought me some peace, but more than that it has sobered me and saddened me a little. There is a sense of peace in my spirit that justice has been done. There is no question that what Bin Laden did was deserving of the death he died. I do vividly remember the awful attack and the feelings of sheer helplessness of 9-11. I did not lose anyone in the attacks but hearing the stories of people that did stirred up some righteous anger in me and a desire to want to see those that masterminded the attacks held to account.

I am sobered at the same time. The crimes that I have committed against my God are deserving of death as well. As much as I wanted to see justice done I am so relieved and thankful that God has not seen it fit to have a bullet put into my head so the death sentence that I deserve was carried out. The only thing I know now is the right standing I have before Him because of His Son's life, death, and resurrection. I am as much a sinner as he was and I deserve the Hell that he, more than likely, has right now.

I am also saddened a bit. Now there is no hope for Bin Laden. There is no opportunity to repent of his sins and submit his life to the only One who could save him. As difficult as that operation was to plan and execute, it is easy to shoot someone. It is so much harder to love a person like him and hold out the hope of the Gospel. And a greater victory still would have been won if his heart was regenerated and washed clean of his sins. Could you imagine if he had set up Christ as his King and Lord?

Thanks be to God He loved a person like me. And set my feet on a rock that cannot be moved. Even by a bullet that may end my life.

I wouldn't know what to do with it

2011-04-27T05:53:00.001-07:00

I have to admit that this frustrates me a bit. I would like to think that I am a better picture than the one the Bible paints of me...even in my regenerate state. But the fact of the matter is that God withholds a lot of information from me. I know nothing of the next minute of my life save that which I assume it to be based on my past experience. I would like to make plans, what I deem substantial plans, for the next year, but I do not have the information that I think that I need to do so. And I am not even that smart to boot. I do not have the mental capacity to examine the decisions and the activities that I engage in from the angles that, I think, would yield the optimal result. And to top it all off I am called to pursue wisdom, called to be a good manager, called to be holy with the insight and information that I am given.

And that drives me a little crazy.

But I need to rest in the fact that if I needed more information than I have to fulfill the call of God in my life I would have it. Even though sometimes I don't believe it I need to move in a way that shows the world that there is a Benevolent Despot that is ordering events for my good and giving me what I need to be like His Son. Sometimes I answer (if only in my heart) the question of, "What more can He do?" with "Quite a bit more actually" and begin to air my two fist fulls of complaints. Of course He can do quite a bit more than He is doing. He can give me quite a bit more information than He is giving me. But He won't. He won't for my own good. If He did I would misuse it. And it drives me crazy that I have to rest in that because it calls to my mind my weakness and my inclination to wander and sin.

And that inclination doesn't drive me crazy enough.

A Gospel presentation to kindergarteners

2011-04-18T05:38:00.001-07:00

My current taching gig with our church has been in our Hostspot program where I am teaching pre-schoolers and kindergarteners in a really fun atmosphere. This past Sunday I took on a challenge to present the Gospel to them as clearly as I could and to remain as faitful as I could to the message. It is hard for me to really be clear at times and not use "big words" like sacrifice, atonement, or a raft of other good, Biblical words that would be over their heads. Here is what I came up with. Please comment if you think I can hone this any more to be more communicative to children of that age or more adherent to the Bible's presentation of why Christ came to this earth:

· What do you hate? Is it a particular food? Insect? Snakes?

· I want to tell you a story about me and you.

· God created us. He wanted to love us and for us to love Him.

· It is a lot like our moms and dads – they love us and want us to love them too.

· It was great for a while. Adam and Eve had a great relationship with God. It was very special and we have not seen anything like it since.

· Then, they disobeyed God. They sinned. And because they sinned we are sinners as well.

· Their disobedience, their sin, was bad news because it showed that they did not love God.

· It was also bad news because God hates sin and, because He is holy, He must punish those who do sin.

· The punishment for sin is death or separation from God forever in a place called Hell.

· Hell is an awful place where no one wants to go. Once we are there we cannot go to heaven to be with God. We are there forever.

· Can you imagine being separated from God? Forever? It is kind of like being separated from our own parents and never seeing them again. That would be terrible.

· We would miss them a lot and they would miss us. I bet that if we were separated from our parents that they would do anything to find us and to get us back.

· Guess what? There is good news because God had a plan to bring us back to Him.

· He never stopped loving us (even though we stopped loving Him) and He did something totally amazing.

· He sent His Son, Jesus, to take care of our sin problem.

· You see Jesus cmae to this earth to die for our sins so that we would not have to die for our own sins. He chose to be separated from His Father so that we would not have to be separated from Him.

· Once He died for our sins then we could get back together with the Father again. It was like we never ever sinned! Once Jesus did that he got back together with God again.

· Now, in order to have your sins taken care of and get back together with God you have to believe that you are a sinner and that Jesus died for your sins. And ask him to be your leader of your life and the forgiver of your sins

I filled in some of the blanks as I went along, but this was the general outline of what I presented. Again, please feel free to suggest anything helpful. There is no doubt I will be doing this again.

The sweet bait of the fisherman

2011-03-18T09:00:00.001-07:00

"He's the Fisher of Men, I'm gonna take the bait..." Irresistible Future, Phil Keaggy and Randy Stonehill

When it was all said and done, when the Spirit Himself showed me how guilty I was and how awful my sin had been, it was as if someone offered me a cool cup of water to drink. My life was on fire when the sweet bait of the Fisherman Himself was dangled in front of me. I was snared and my life became a slavery to a God that loves me rather than the one that sought my destruction. All that I thought I would miss, everything that I knew I needed to renounce pales in comparison to what I have now. The removal of the penalty for my sin (separation from God forever in Hell) by the work that was performed on the cross that day has given me a life filled with hope and blessings that, literally, cannot be counted. Who would have known that embracing Him would lead to such sweet service? Who would have known that the sin that I constantly knew would have lead me to my death? Only He knew and it was Him who filled my heart to overflowing with meaning and consistently holds out just a taste of heaven in a fallen world. He did it by exchanging the lie I lived for the truth He held.

A clue to the meaning of life

2011-03-17T06:40:00.001-07:00

"...there is a clue, a clue to meaning in life, and that clue comes in relationships." - Ravi Zacharias

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You." - St. Augustine

I was listening to a Let My People Think podcast from Ravi Zacharias the other day and the quote from him that precedes Augustine's in this post almost staggered me in its implications. So simple, yet volumes could be written on it. Can we ignore the fact that our relationships in our lives are where we rest much of who we are? Can I divorce my theological or philosophical musings from the fact that I am a husband, father, son, uncle, employee or from the myriad of other ways I relate to the people in my life? Can I simply and dipassoinately apply my intellect to the world around me and give no thought to fact that I am His and, wonder of wonders, He is mine?

I love Augutine's quote as well (used by Zacharias to underscore his point). I notice that the great saint didn't mention that our rest was found in certain principles that we hold to or in the Bible itself. It was found when we embrace the fact that we were created to be in a love relationship with God and we know that the relationship that He restored has its genesis in His Son. And what a lover His Son is as well!

It is more than biology or a desire to preserve the species this love that I find between me and the people I relate to. It is what I was made to be. It was what I was made to be. A lover. And when I love I am at my best for, at that point, I am found to be in Him and He is found to be in me.

Struggling with mercy

2011-03-08T09:35:00.001-08:00

I don't struggle with the concept of mercy as much as I should. I am usually on the side of presuming that God or anyone else is going to be merciful to me. That makes me cheapen both grace and mercy quite a bit I think. I have moments where I feel the gravity of my sin and the fact that God is merciful to me (let alone graceful) overwhelms me. Yet, these realizations are fewer and farther between than I would like them to be. I often whine and cry over even the natural consequences of my decisions let alone any hand of discipline that God lay a hold of me with. I am oriented that way and need to submit that orientation to the loving care of the Spirit. This is so much different than my oldest son.

He pulled a doozy the other day and my wife and I could not characterize it as willful disobedience. It was more carelessness than anything and a result of him just being a kid. But the situation could have resulted in something extremely serious if not for God's mercy and grace. My wife communicated what happened to him and how bad things could have been as a result of his carelessness and, apart from him living with the natural consequences of the action, we decided not to punish him. This did not sit well with him. He told Nan that he thought that we should punish him and was almost insisting on it. We decided not to and all has been forgiven.

I think he struggles with grace and mercy. He seems to be the exact opposite of me: where I wonder why I am not being shown the mercy and grace that I "deserve" he wonders why he is not being punished or disciplined like he "deserves". I don't think either one of us is better off than the other because I think that both of our struggles are self-serving at their core as they seem to rail against different attributes or aspects of God: mine against his justice and his against his love. That just ups the ante a bit for Nan and I to be as much like God as possible to him. We need to be balanced in our approach to his transgressions and model a loving and just God in hopes that he won't carry this struggle into adulthood. I know we can't guarantee that won't happen, but we need to make sure that we, at the very least, don't exacerbate his present lack of perspective.

Footprints in the Sand

2011-03-07T12:33:00.001-08:00

I appreciate the sentiment of the poem (story, parable, lesson) Footprints in the Sand. I just have to say that if ever look back on my life and see more than one set of footprints in the sand, or if the footprints in the sand are of anyone's other than God's, I will consider myself nothing less than a stupid fool.

Where I go is where I've been

2011-03-07T09:24:00.001-08:00

This post may have broad application or it may not hold water. That will be my only qualifying statement.

I was in a conversation recently that sent my mind whirling about change and why I am often not as comfortable with it as I should be. I need to be comfortable with change because it happens to me every single day. Areas of stability are an illusion and the normal is a veneer...change is my lot this side of heaven and may continue to be in eternity. We have undergone massive changes as a church body especially in the past 5 years. We have not undergone changes for the sake of change, we have changed to do what God wants us to do: to make more and better disciples of Christ. Some of these changes have been easy for me to take. Some have sent me to shake up the ministries that I am involved in. None of them have been perfectly implemented, but all of them have the end goal in mind.

So, why when there is "another change" there do I say (in my mind anyway), "Again...?" I think that one of the reasons is that my normal experience with churches has been to keep doing the same thing in largely the same way and hope that it produces what we think it should. I have never been in a church that relentlessly (and I do mean relentlessly) focuses on "more" and "better" disciples at the same time. If I had been a member of bodies like this in the past then change would have been part of the routine...part of the norm. The only thing I would expect is more change and, if nothing happened for a while, I would start to get a little nervous wondering if we were asleep at the wheel.

I also think I focus more on the change rather than the goal. If people are not coming to Christ from a life far from Him as a result of the ministries of the church then there is something wrong. And we need to measure how effective we are. If people are not deepening their walk with God as a result of the ministries of the church then there is something wrong. And we need to measure how effective we are. And here's the rub for me: I have been (and may be in the future) part of an ineffective ministry. I have been (and may be in the future) an ineffective minister. And that hurts. But thank God it hurts.

Rather than focus on the change or let my pride get in the way I need to align myself with the goal rather than with a ministry. I need to measure myself against how effective I am at making more and better disciples especially as I minister with the church. Then and only then will my attitude change from "Ugh...not again!" to "God, I love you. Please help me be a more vital part of what is happening here."

The gift of dork

2011-02-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

I thought of posting something humorous (if only to me) in my status this morning about me being a dork (nerd, geek, doofus, etc.) in high school and the freedom that afforded me to not have old flames chasing me down and saying "So...how you doin'?". But, the more I thought about it, the more thankful I became that I am not in that situation. I was never "in" with the ladies back then and it wasn't until college that I had any semblance of a serious relationship with a member of the opposite sex (yes, female, for those of you who are as sarcastic as I am). For me that was a good thing even though, at the time, it was more than a tad painful. Of course I did not have this perspective in the midst of my mate-lessness and always had to scramble to find someone to go to the semi-formal or prom with, but now all of that has faded into a great deal of freedom. I am not so naive to think that every high school or college relationship that has ever existed is re-igniting in this way, but for me there is nothing there to re-ignite. This dork is not encumbered by all of that and, for that, I am truly grateful.

NCS Auction and OpenOffice 3.2

2011-02-21T11:46:00.000-08:00

I didn't think this had a chance of working, but I am awfully glad it did. I am one of the head technology geeks for our upcoming school auction and needed a way to generate the Silent Auction bid sheets as automatically as possible from a database of auction items. We are completely Microsoft Office based which is both good and bad. Good because we can be very creative with the tools and the knowledge about the application is very diffuse; bad because not all of the laptops we have are not going to have an install of MS Office. Well, in order to run the MS Access database on the day of the auction (to manage bidders and winning bids) I found an MS Access 2007 runtime that seems to perform admirably enough for us not to have to worry about having Access installed on all of the machines at the auction. This will save us a bunch of headaches and is probably the biggest piece of the puzzle we needed to get this whole thing running well. The second piece was the use of OpenOffice (OOo) to edit the individual Silent Auction sheets once they are generated from the items in the database.

The issue I was running into with using OOo was that I was generating the mail merged documents in MS Word and then opening them up in OOo for editing. Well, I had an embedded spreadsheet in the Word document that calculated the bids that we would require from three different values: the Minimum Bid, the Minimum Raise, and the Buy It Now price (if any). The embedded spreadsheet was opening just fine in OOo but, when I double clicked on it to edit the values in it, I found it opened in read-only mode in OOo Calc (the MS Excel equivalent). This was a big issue because I do not have a version of MS Office installed on my laptop at home and I needed grant my wife the ability to edit the Silent Auction forms. So...off to the web I went to look for a solution.

Well, it turns out that in OOo there is an option (in the Tools>Options>load/Save/Microsoft Office selection) to load Excel files as OOo Calc files and/or save OOo Calc files as Excel. Selecting this option allowed me to load a Word document, edit the embedded spreadsheet to my heart's content, and then print out the forms that are needed for the auction. That made this geek VERY happy and will be a real productivity booster for us this year. If you want to see the fruits of my labor, and help keep Northridge Christian School turning out well-educated disciples of Christ, come to the Auction on March 5, 2011 and bid high.

So how far can I take this?

2011-02-18T09:15:00.001-08:00

Since becoming a dad I have been trying to enter into the emotional aspects of God's love and provision for me through relating the Godly feelings I have for my boys to how He may feel for me. There was one time that my oldest son asked me to buy him a toy and I could tell that he wanted it very badly. I wanted desperately to get it for Him and had plenty of income at my disposal to do just that. But, there were other agreements, circumstances, and short and long term consequences that led me to think that the wiser course of action would be to not purchase the toy for him. I could tell he was disappointed and I felt his pain so deeply that I am even feeling it right now as I type out this note. He tried to convince me later in the day that it would be a great idea to purchase the toy but, as much as I didn't want to, I had to hold my ground and say no. I am sure he has forgotten about the incident but certain situations recall it to my mind.

I was wondering if God feels the same way when He has to say no to me. I would like to think that He would, upon seeing the pain in my heart, enter into my suffering if only for a moment and understand me. Of course His will would be unbending (even more so than mine was), and He would know (like I did) that saying no is the wisest course of action, but does my pain born from my lack of perspective and righteousness move Him? Or is the feeling I had that day, and even today, foreign to His being? I am sure there is no answer to this on this side of Paradise, but I would desperately like to know. If only to bring me a bit of comfort the next time He lovingly withholds my petition.

Tasting, seeing, and motivation

2011-02-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am odd...okay I know I am a tad odd but maybe I am odd in this way in particular. Nan and I prayed for something a while back and God answered our prayers so profoundly and certainly that it was nothing short of Him coming in the clouds (so to speak). It was one of the more blatant answers to prayer I had seen in a long time and I think I, quite literally, had my mouth open in amazement over it. One would think that the experience would motivate me to pray more frequently and more fervently. It hasn't. But why hasn't it? I had a sausage and mushroom pizza the other night for the first time in a little while and, let me tell you, it fueled the fire for more sausage and mushroom pizza for sure. I also, after spending a considerable length of uninterrupted vacation time with my wife, do not want to tear myself away from her and the experience that we have had together. You may even say that to taste the goodness of these two things fuels a fire that burns ever more true for me to experience that goodness again.

Why can't it be that way with the goodness of God? What is still deficient about me that leads me, almost 180 degrees, into the other direction when I have sincerely tasted and seen how awesome a life can be with Him at the center? I am interested in ending this struggle, but I fear that it will be with me until my tired body is in the grave. I just pray that I can get some manner of my life with Him together enough that I would feel good about it. But maybe that's not what He has for me. I need to be prepared for that too.

The luxury of thought

2011-02-15T06:59:00.000-08:00

Oftentimes I do not afford myself the luxury of thought. I think, but I do not order my life or activity in a way that would make the most sense. Just ask anyone who is around me in a time when "a lot of things need to get done" and you'll see my gnat-like the attention span. I do not have the natural ability to look at 6 different things that need to get done and order them for maximum efficiency. And, in the midst of a project, I do have a tendency to dive head-long into something without a proper plan. I think that one of the reasons why I do not formulate a plan for projects is that, given my adult ADD, if I stopped to think about something I would be off on a tangent that would have me actually doing something else. If my hands are actually busy doing something then I need to stay focused on it for a while. Or until it gets done. Whichever comes first.

I do, from time to time, find thoughts in my head and throw them out there and see if they hold my interest for an extended period of time. Sometimes I even find boredom striking when I am in the middle of a sentence and lose the will to actually complete it. That's dangerous because usually when I am talking people are listening...and they expect coherence in the words that are assaulting their ears. If I trail off out of boredom then this does not lend itself... It may even be considered anti-social. I know - shocking, isn't it? Yet, if a thought does hold my attention then I know it is a good one (if for me only) and I like to see those through to completion. I do get stuff done mind you. I am just not possessed with accomplishment like other people are. And that is an overstatement.

I deserve __________

2011-02-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

If the words "I deserve" is followed by anything other than "to go to Hell" then I have not fully grasped the Gospel message that has been faithfully delivered to me. I don't even deserve a good day today, but I know that God has and will continue to shower blessings on me. I don't deserve them, I just get them. They're gifts to me and I do get caught up in the gifts at times and get my eyes off of the Giver, but that's for another post. I was thinking about serving other people both in and out of the church today and a thought struck me. I was wondering if the people I serve deserve the best I can do. I would like to think so because, as a servant, I want to please my master (who happens to be "others") and my master does deserve my best in all areas. But that lead me to the present dilemma. If they are anything like me (and they are as far as I can tell) they don't deserve to be served by me because, through my service, they receive blessing. I know this sounds kind of arrogant, but go with me on this one. Because they don't deserve you either.

So, in all manner of speaking, they don't deserve my best. They don't deserve the acts of service that I perform on their behalf. But - there is One that does. He has commanded me to serve and to continually lay my life down for my wife, children, and neighbor. He has entrusted me with gifts and talents and expects me to use them to their fullest potential. He is who I serve and the more I serve Him, the more I try to give Him everything He deserves, the more perfectly I will serve those around me. They don't deserve the gifts that I have, but He does. It just gets clearer and clearer to me that when I serve it is for an audience of One. And He is quite an audience, isn't He?

With all logical and philosophical inquiry aside, I need to make sure I am giving my all for Him. I don't deserve to be in His house and serve Him, but I find myself there. And I will sweep the flour that has spilled on the floor in His kitchen with all that I am.

I can't choose

2011-02-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

I have a couple of Spiritual Gifts that are operating in my life. My primary gift is teaching and my secondary gift is mercy. What is interesting is that I did not choose the gifts (they were given to me) and I cannot choose how to exercise them in the church (that is chosen for me). For one reason or another God had it so that I was passed over for numerous opportunities to teach adults for an extended period of time. In my flesh I felt really badly about that and all of the usual questions came into my mind that sprang from my being self-absorbed: Am I not good enough? Did I say something wrong? Did people complain about me? and on and on they went. And I almost missed one of the more exciting things that has happened to me in the ministries God has called me to - the opportunity to teach children in a dynamic, high-energy setting with people that have extraordinary talent.

The exercise of Spiritual Gifts strengthens the church (1 Corinthians 12:7). I now know that God moves people into places in His church where there gifts will strengthen it. I am going to try to not have a long face or become self-absorbed when I do not get to exercise my giftedness in a particular way. The only thing I can do is sit back and marvel that He uses me at all in the loves of people that He loves very dearly.

The inevitability of freedom

2011-02-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

While listening to some statements that President Obama made about the recent events in Egypt I was struck by a phrase that he used to, no doubt, explain what was happening and espouse a particular world view. The President briefly spoke about the "inevitability of freedom" and linked it to a notion that people will be free at some point and, more than likely, rule themselves through some form of democracy or representational government. Politics and political systems aside I agree with the President on this point, but probably not in the way that he intended the statement to be interpreted. As a Christ-follower I know that Jesus came, died, and rose again so that I can be free and taste a freedom that goes all the way down. No longer ruled by sin nor swept away by the confusion of counselors that seem to be at odds with each other on some of the most basic life circumstances I have been given the Holy Spirit and the Scriptures that have given me a freedom that a democracy never could. And as if this were not enough I have been promised a freedom from pain, sorrow, and death in the life that lies beyond this one in a home that is my real residence; in a heaven where God's will is done all the time.

It is in both that that position and promise where the inevitability of my freedom rests. I no longer need to look to the devices or schemes of men to bring me freedom. My freedom has been brought to me and I am as free as I will ever be. And therein lies the struggle for I long for the oppression and dictatorial rule of sin far too often. Soon, Mark, soon that will be crushed as well. Not by a hero that has returned from exile to lead a revolution but by a Lover that has brought about much more than that.

Bring me my Chariot of fire

2010-11-11T08:19:00.001-08:00

Much like Lewis in his Reflections on the Psalms, this musing is not the work of any real scholarship on my part. It stems from an interesting connection that I have seen between the poem "And did those feet in ancient time" by William Blake and the curious pondering of Samuel Sewall about the role of the New World in Christian eschatology. Sewall was a native of England and one of the early Puritan North American settlers. He was an abolitionist who argued against slavery from a Biblical perspective and repented of his role in the Salem Witch Trials. He authored a pamphlet that presented the New World as having a significant part in Christ's return to earth and the establishment of his Kingdom here. While I do not see eye to eye Sewall on this point, I did find this a rather curious line of thinking and thought it came out of left field. That is until I read the poem by Blake.

In the poem "And did those feet in ancient time", published much later than the Sewall writing, Blake contemplates what the the visitation of Christ would bring to England. To think that Christ would grace both America and England with his physical presence is quite interesting. Given the different publication dates (1697 and 1808) I am curious about the common roots of both of those ideas. It seems to be connected to the desire of both Blake and Sewall to see God's will take hold on earth as it has in heaven although Blake's focus seems to be a bit more in the present tense than Sewall's interest in Christ's millennial kingdom.

I just have to wonder when these ideas entered their minds and if there are other writings during this span of time that broached the same subject. Are these ideas exclusively part of the British culture or were there other European or non-European people groups that had similar inquiries? I would love to plumb the depths of this but, alas, I am left with making observations based on my scant reading on the subject for now.

Narnia's granola bars

2010-09-24T05:58:00.000-07:00

A while ago my wife bought a big box of crunchy granola bars. I have been eating them in my lunch and, even though there are three different varieties in the box, I have taken a liking to the peanut butter ones. Well, I noticed yesterday morning that she extracted the remaining 4 or 5 from the box and put them back into the pantry removing the box to the recycling bin in the garage. Due to the marked difference between our personalities I found this act a tad strange as, if I were in charge of the dispensing of the granola bars, the box would only have been removed when the last package was removed. I resisted the urge to say anything yesterday and carried on with my day.

This morning, in the course of assembling (not making mind you...that is just too much work) my lunch I went back into the pantry in search of the granola bars that were extricated from the box and fully expected to find them thrown into a pile at or around the same place where the box had been. They weren't there. Thinking like my wife for a brief and extraordinarily painful moment my gaze happened upon a nice, neat stack behind the vanilla pudding cups to the left-hand side of the pantry. There they were! They were even leaning up against the wall of the cabinet so that they would not fall and, I think, were arranged according to variety. I have a splitting headache even now contemplating the implications of the granola bar pile upon the relationship we have built these many years.

All this to say that I am more convinced than ever that I am mentally incapable of thinking like my wife. The things that I expect and the way I handle situations are, sometimes, so far removed from the way she goes about it that it is almost like I am living in an alternate reality. Like the Pevensie children happening upon the magical wardrobe or Alice's descent through the looking glass the pantry in our kitchen will always remind me that there is so much more to this life than what I make of it.

The way my mind has been

2010-09-10T10:37:00.001-07:00

My mind has either been too full lately (cue laughter) or just plain empty (cue knowing nods). I have been catching up on some podcasts on my way into and from work and there has been so many thoughts that have been triggered from different perspectives on familiar themes that it is hard to articulate them all. Here is one, albeit underdeveloped, of them:

My body is a vessel. It happens to be the tool by which my self affects the world around me. It has also been both given into service to God and is fit for the service that God has given to me. I was thinking about the breaking down of the body, I am 40 after all, and likening it to a bucket that is becoming increasingly rusty and showing more and more holes. Obviously I could carry water in a hole-ridden bucket, but it would be sub-optimal for this task. It would frustrate the one who has pressed it into service to carry water. I would have to think that once it is unfit to carry water, or to hold anything in particular, it would be cast aside for a better alternative. Such is the life of the bucket.

I initially thought that this is the way of the body as well. I do know that when I am not feeling my best and my body is not responding the way I want it to I can get frustrated. Unlike the bucket, though, I have been called to glorify God. That is my supreme service to Him and the only rational position of a created being to the Creator. The interesting thing is, unlike the bucket, as my body wears out I can still glorify God in ways I have yet to discover. God won't even cast aside my body for the purposes of glorifying Him even if I am flat on my back in a coma...there is still work to be done. There is still such a thing as glorifying Him in that state. Is there a time when I will be unable to glorify Him? Is there that space of time (as brief as it is) between my death and my glorification that I will not ascribe greatness to Him? If that is the only time it will be brief indeed.

I could take this in the direction of comparing the bucket-bearer to my Body-Bearer as I consciously close myself off to His will for my life, but I think I need to let this go at this point.

Dumping Firefox for Chrome

2010-09-03T06:11:00.001-07:00

To further my slide into a pretentious geek wonk I am officially dumping the Firefox web browser for my new favorite: Google's Chrome. I have been lamenting the steady rise in the size of Firefox over the past year or so and have been looking for a sleeker alternative (thankfully my wife has not been on this quest with me) and I think that Chrome will fit the bill quite nicely. I even like the way ScribeFire is implemented in Chrome over the way it is developed for Firefox. There was a twinge of sadness in my heart when I moved the Firefox shortcut from my desktop to the Recycle Bin, but I think it is for the better. I am very happy that there are quality browsers out there that we can choose from and that, if the need warrants, we can punt and use another one. I am not un-installing Firefox just yet. I may have use for it in the future, but my new daily browser is Chrome.

I bet you're glad you know that.

Cheeseburger cheeseburger do it again...

2010-09-01T06:28:00.001-07:00

Feeding and breeding and pumping gas,
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, do it again. - What We Do, Devo

You do not have a soul. You have a body. - C.S. Lewis

I know, I am twisted enough to put a Devo lyric in the same post as an insight by Lewis, but it was too great a contrast to pass up. There is an age-old struggle within the heart of man between what is "down here" and what is "up there". To put it another way, as much as I love cheeseburgers, is that it? Is the end of my cheeseburger consumption found in the consuming of it? Or is there something else? Is there a reason that I am breathing or pumping gas? Is there a purpose to my doing it all again? Looking at everything that is made, whether it be organic or not, there is a purpose for its existence. There is nothing that exists that does not fulfill some type of purpose. From the smallest sub-atomic particle to the star-killer black holes it is all infused with activity and participates in a well-choreographed dance. And the most interesting thing is that this purpose of it all can never be found strictly in the object itself. It is here (I am here) for something larger than itself (myself). Something that transcends it...something that transcends me. A tree isn't here to be a tree. A car isn't here to be a car. They are both here for some other purpose lager than themselves.

In looking at me I see the same thing. I am not here to be a person. I am not here to occupy space. I was not created, or the subject of procreation, for a purpose that is centered in myself. I cannot be because that would would contradict the clear teaching of the Bible. It would also fly in the face of my experience of every other thing that I see. My cheeseburger consumption either allows me to, more perfectly, fulfill the purpose that I have been created for or it frustrates it. I am a soul with a body. The more I let that sink in the more I will embrace the reason that I was created and the Creator Himself.

Wise words

2010-08-20T10:41:00.001-07:00

The two of you that have read my blog before (thanks Mom and Dad) know that I have a real admiration for Phil Vischer. In the past this was largely born out of the impact that he has had on my sons' lives as the brains behind Big Idea and VeggieTales, but I have a new appreciation for him since he has left the daily operations of the company he found. I was reading an interview with him recently where he let loose with this gem of wisdom:

"What I’ve learned to do is to remember very specifically what God has called me to do. It’s very easy for us to put other things onto that and the calling gets very specific over time; ‘He called me to tell stories, he called me to tell computer animated stories … with my own animation studio … in a really nice building’ and so it goes on. ...‘he called me to serve the church ... in this neighborhood … in this store … to those people … with this shelving and store layout’. But what did God actually tell you to do? Serve the church? Hang on to that tightly, hold everything else loosely."

This is incredibly wise as I have a tendency to put my service for God and with the church into very specific terms. I have been called to teach God's Word and I remember when God dried up every opportunity for me to teach in an adult class. I was not sure what He was trying to do and I do remember feeling badly about the lack of prospects that I had to do that. I also recall when He opened the door for me to teach children (from Kindergarten to sixth grade) and that I initially viewed it as a demotion of sorts. But, I can't remember how quickly this happened, I determined that I was not going to treat this like minor league ball. God called me to teach and I was going to teach...regardless of the setting in which I did it. I determined to give it my all and even to innovate.

Well, I am back to teaching adults and thank God for the opportunity I had to teach kids. He showed me something that Phil Vischer has clearly articulated. There are very few things in this life (God's revealed will being the bulk of it) that I know for certain. I can't treat my desires as Gospel truth and expect Him to sit around and let me spin my life's story for me. He stepped in and, in radically altering my reality, shook up my thinking. He stripped it down to the basics and, painful as it was, it was a gift that I needed.

Just plain wrong

2010-08-19T10:18:00.001-07:00

A lot of times I don't like to write about or to defend the faith that I have because, well, I could be wrong about how I am defending it. I recall reading about a particular experience that C.S. Lewis had that gave him great pause about believing that he was any sort of philosopher and caused him to soften the language in his books (Miracles in particular) quite a bit. Apart from the fact that I am under no illusion that I am any type of philosopher or deep thinker I can understand the pain that he had and share it at times. However, in thinking about the dialectical approach and the progression and, hopefully, strengthening of thought from one person to the next, it seems like my fears are either more or less made up, or they rest somewhere else. I would like to think that if someone had a problem with what I would say or a particular vein of argument that I took supporting or criticizing someone or something that they would approach their objections calmly and with civility. We are all in a journey together towards answering ultimate questions and I have something that I can learn from an atheist as much as they have something they can learn from me as a committed Christian.

I guess what gets to me is the vitriol and even insults that fly when someone is taking a hard stand using a less-than-adequate foundation. I do not have a thick skin and, quite frankly, love it when someone shows me a different way to approach something with an all to great amount of love, patience, grace, and even mercy. I hate yelling and I am not even sure that "hate" is a strong enough word.

So, yeah, I guess some people can shut me up quickly if they go down a path where there is a bunch of cussing and spitting over something I have said. I know it shouldn't be and I have had flashes in my life when that wasn't the case at all, but by and large if that is a persons modus operandi then they won't hear me for a long time. And maybe that is to their benefit. But what if it isn't? That is the only thing that keeps me going on like I do.

Still sorting through it all

2010-08-16T06:05:00.001-07:00

Last Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday until about 1:00 p.m. our family was all together at Family Camp at Circle C Ranch in Delevan, NY. Don't ask me where Delevan is because I would just refer you to my GPS as to the exact location and path to get there. All I know is that we went West and then South for a while...and I am so glad we did. We had a time we had no business having in a place that holds great significance to us. My wife Nan was saved from the penalty of her sin there when she was 16 and we took couple of trips with the teens from Sodus Bible Baptist Church to the Snow Camp they hosted. Our boys were so excited to be there and did things that they had never done before like rock climbing, horseback riding, and water balloon volleyball. It was also great to just get away with fellow believers, hear from God's Word, and just be in a place that, for 40+ years, has been preaching the Gospel of Christ to kids who desperately need it.

I think the thing that I enjoyed the most was that, when my boys asked me to do something with them, I was able to do it. There were no email messages to return, to lawns to mow, no phones ringing...it was just us. It was great playing ping pong with Will and shooting some pool with Drew. It was also awesome to hold my wife's hand as we prayed and asked God to bless our relationship and our family. We were bummed that we had t come back to "real life".

Yet this "real life" has blessings of its own. After we returned from our camping experience I cleaned the fish tank and mowed the lawn. Drew had the great idea of playing catch and we were able to do that together. What a blessing that was and a great way to continue the connections we made at Family Camp. God has been so good to me and His blessings seem to go on for miles and miles.

A few bits of randomness

2010-08-04T05:33:00.001-07:00

I am only now getting my Linux box upgraded to Ubuntu version 9.10 and then, eventually, on to 10.04. I pulled my keyboard for that particular machine out from under the desk and found that it was excessively dirty. Well, I had heard that you could run a keyboard through the dishwasher and, as long as you wait long enough to let it dry, plug it in and it will work. Well, I ran the keyboard through the dishwasher last night and we'll see if I can use it again. It came out very clean by the way.

I was reading some review about a laptop that was for sale. One of the comments was that it had a "smallish" hard drive. I looked at the specs and found that the hard drive was listed at 320 GB. Of course, being the old guy that I am, 320 GB is not "smallish" at all. It got me to thinking that by the time my boys care about the specs on a computer of any type I would venture to guess that a terabyte drive would be the minimum they would be looking for. That is amazing to me.

Rocky Mountain Holiday

2010-08-03T11:36:00.001-07:00

Last night my boys were chomping at the bit to watch a 1982 Muppets/John Denver special called Rocky Mountain Holiday. They loved every minute of it. What really caught me off guard a bit is the extent that they enjoyed the "down home" nature of the show. I mean, here is John Denver with his acoustic guitar walking around and signing his way through real and imagined scenes of a camping trip that he is on with the Muppets and they were riveted to it like it was a chase scene in a Star Wars movie. In their attention to this I sensed their appreciation and even love of simple things. Even though they are a little rough around the edges (they're kids after all) and still so prone to wander (they're sinners after all) they are still so pure and innocent in what they enjoy. It seems like the simplest things take them by surprise and they love, I mean really love, life.

There is a part of me that is so satisfied that they love Lawrence Welk as much as Lego Batman on the Wii. There are simple shows that they find so gratifying (like the Muppets or What's in the Bible) and their sweetness is evident in that. I love that about them. Heck, I love them and who they are. I pray that their Father in heaven will continue to nurture a sweet, sensitive spirit in them and the desire to transfer that to their God and neighbor.

That may have done it

2010-08-03T05:35:00.001-07:00

When I eat late at night (say after 7:00 or so) I have very vivid, intense dreams. Most of them are way to realistic for me, in the midst of the dream, to realize that it is only a dream and some are so real that I have a hard time convincing myself, when awake, that it was a dream. Well, lately, I have either been eating late by design or just gotten into the habit of snacking later at night. I have noticed that I have not felt all that rested lately and was wondering why. Hey, it takes me a while to figure these things out.

Well, last night I made sure that I did not eat anything before bed. I did have some decaffeinated coffee with a little vanilla creamer in it, but that was it. I don't remember anything that I dreamed about last night (for the first time in a week or so) and I feel a bit more rested today than I had been feeling. Hopefully this is what I need to do to make sure I am well-rested. We'll see.

I have always had the issue of vivid dreams after eating later at night, but it never resulted in a tired feeling the day after. Could this be part of some of the changes that accompany aging? I know I don't act like it but I am over 40 now. Well, regardless of the "disease" I think I may have kicked at least one of the symptoms. Time will tell.

Maybe a bit too pie-in-the-sky

2010-07-30T06:41:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I like to pretend that the information that has had an effect on me in a profound way will, similarly, impact my boys. After reading Me, Myself, and Bob by Phil Vischer I was deeply moved by the end of the book where some excellent perspective and counsel was offered. It altered my reality and made me want to make it required reading for my boys when they get older. I guess I have this grand illusion that it will be used in their lives in much the same way that it has been used in mine.

Undaunted with my fantastical thinking I have yet another requirement for them. On my way into work I completed listening to a lecture by Dr. John Frame on the presuppositional apologetic approach of Cornelius Van Til. The approach he took, and the balance he struck, literally astounded me. It made me want to make my boys listen to it for it addressed some of the weaknesses I have as I assess what is going on around me and definitely leveled some false dichotomies that I had erected in my mind.

Is this pure fantasy? Am I to expect them to have the same feelings I do after the experiences I have had? Am I to expect God to generate the growth in them that He has in me through the ministry of these two men? I guess it is nice to think about but I can't set those expectations on them and Him. I will be too disappointed if they do not manifest the character building that has been done in me as a result of what I have been exposed to.

I guess what I can expect is that God will use other men and women of God in the same manner that He used Vischer and Frame in mine. But, alas, I will probably not share in their excitement and growth and that may disappoint them. That, in and of itself, is a bit of a bummer. I guess it makes the times when it does happen that much sweeter.

For a brief moment....

2010-07-29T08:15:00.001-07:00

I subscribe to a classifieds service where I get emails concerning things for sale. I have hawked quite a few things and bought some stuff through the service and I enjoy it. Well, a "gem" came through just now that, for a brief moment, I thought about acquiring:

FS: 6-1/2 HP Horizontal; shaft gas engine Brand New - Never Run $125

Growing up we always dreamed of having a go-kart. What red-blooded American boy didn't? Of course the lack of resources always got in the way. This was paired with a lack of technical know-how to actually put the thing together and get it to run. Safely.

Well, my resources have grown but my lack of mechanical ability has always been with me. I am afraid that no amount of tinkering could make up for the fact that I am clueless about mechanical devices. Every once and a while I'll crack something open, jiggle something here and there, and then make it work out of sheer grace and mercy from God, but barring that I just don't have what it takes to put a go-kart together. Unless you expand the definition of a go-kart to mean a metal cage that doesn't roll, catches fire, and administers third-degree burns to small children.

That I can do.

The mouse, the mole, and Me the Barbarian

2010-07-19T07:20:00.001-07:00

I remember a few years back that I had an encounter with a mouse in the basement of our former house that left me thinking if I had it in me. I found a mouse that was stuck in our utility sink in the basement and did not have the means to escape. After some ensuing hilarity I finally caught the thing in a coffee can, poked some holes in it (so it could breathe) and let it go in a field on my way to work that morning. I wasn't sure if I could kill another living thing that was more complex than a mosquito or small fish. Well, this weekend I found my answer.

We were talking with a neighbor when Nan saw something crossing the street and quickly identified it as a mole. I knew what I had to do. I ran up to the garage and got a spade and quickly made my way down the driveway determined to do it in. Thankfully it got tangled up somewhat in the grass so I was able to place the spade just behind its head and snap its neck in two with it. Another quick blow to the top of the handle of the shovel ensured its quick demise. Quickly examining it before putting it into the plastic bag for proper disposal I found it to be a beautiful creature in general. I had seen moles (both living and dead) before but I never noticed how slick and sleek they are. It is too bad I had to kill it, but I hate moles with a passion.

So there I have it. Not quite a Conan moment, but that's really a big step for me. Or at least confirmation that, under the right circumstances, I can track something down and snuff the life out of it.

Beyond music, playlists, and podcasts

2010-07-19T07:06:00.001-07:00

I still need to do some work on this but I am beginning to find more and more uses for the iPod I received for Christmas a while back. Recently I was on a trip to Sacramento, CA and found myself in a plane for many more hours than I was comfortable with. Of course, I did not have the necessary reading materials, headphones, and other accoutrements that would have made the trip more bearable. Determined not to have that happen again I have been looking for other things to use my iPod for and have stumbled upon a more than little resource called iTunesU. Now iTunes is the main vehicle for getting content onto the iPod if you want to fill it with stuff that you do not already have in CD or other digital form. It turns out that iTunes also has a vast amount of content online that is a bit more academic than entertainment focused.

Currently I am listening to a series of lectures by Dr. John Frame from the Reformed Theological Seminary concerning the history of Philosophy. I have listened to a short lecture on Augustine and am now in the midst of a two-lecture presentation on Kant and his successors. It has been refreshing to hear about the philosophies of these two men from a Reformed perspective. Although I cannot say that I am 100% within a Reformed framework on all that I believe about God this has been wonderful experience. Attending two secular universities for my degrees I was always subject to this type of philosophical examination from a humanistic perspective. Although that perspective is valuable from an informational standpoint it did not do as much to strengthen my faith in Christ than Dr. Frame is doing now.

Slowly but surely

2010-07-02T05:57:00.001-07:00

It seems to be finally happening. I have, for the longest time, been trying to get my mind thinking correctly about the word "church". It was very easy for me to play lip service to the fact that the church is the people of God rather than the building that they congregate in on a given Sunday. I mean the Bible is pretty clear that is the case. On the other hand whenever I heard the word church I immediately thought of the building. I have been trying to get that out of my head for the longest time. Well, I think that I have turned the corner.

I have heard the word "church" from my oldest son and, most recently, a co-worker where my mind went immediately to the people rather than the building. In fact, when I heard it from my son, I got very confused because he was using the word in a context where it could not have been misunderstood as being the people rather than the building. My confusion brought me an amount of satisfaction that is not usually produced when I am confused about something.

I have often heard it said that "with right doctrine comes right living ". I am not too bent out of shape if I cannot make the connection between orthodoxy and orthopraxy at this moment about this particular teaching. I just know that I have had to spend an unusual amount of time on this point and I think that it is, thanks be to God, finally starting to sink in.

Safe and sound

2010-06-07T06:46:00.001-07:00

Safe and sound knowing that You're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that You know me - Safe and Sound, Mercy

I had an experience in my ride into work today that can only be described as being held. I had a mildly stressful weekend that really came to a head, so to speak, when I got back from our evening service. There were quite a few stressors that effected my countenance to a great degree and I was caught up in them to a great extent. I had a restless night's sleep last night and knew I needed to meet with God in a special way this morning. Actually I think it may have been God Himself prescribing the cure for my anxiety.

I took what He offered and had a commute into work this morning that was unlike anything that I have had in a while. Why didn't I run to you sooner Dad? Your peace was available to me last night, wasn't it? Why didn't I avail myself of it? Maybe that was part of it God...maybe it was. To say that I am happy that You know me is too cheap a thought. It's not just your Word, your commandments, or your promises that are my rock. It's not this joy, hope, and peace that are my sure foundation.

It's You.

When standing - even when singing

2010-04-21T07:13:00.001-07:00

Deuteronomy 6:7-8 is the standard for me to communicate the Commandments of God, and really the whole Bible, to my children. It is a popular passage that took on new meaning for me during the evening service on Easter Sunday. We watched various scenes of John's account of the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. It was powerful and I even had the opportunity to do a couple (literally) minutes of instruction from the 18th chapter. Well, we were singing one of my favorite songs at the end and I was very into it. During the height of the song I felt a tap on my leg. Quickly realizing that it was Drew trying to get my attention and snapping me out of my focus on the words of the song and the beauty of the moment. I instantly wondered what was so important (I was worshiping after all) and I bent down to inquire what he wanted.

And there it was. An even more beautiful moment and one that I will never forget. Drew asked a simple question: "What does 'come again' mean?"

He knew what "Crist has died" meant as we have discussed this multiple times and he saw a re-enactment of his death already. He had an idea of what "Christ has risen" meant per our recent discussions about Easter and the portrayal of John chapter 20 that was displayed. What he needed more information on was this whole "Christ will come again" business.

And, wonder of wonders, my son asked me. How special and utterly gorgeous that was. This shipwreck of a life has been bought to such an extent that I can illuminate the Scriptures to my son. All thanks to God for His marvelous gift of salvation that He has lavished on me and the Holy Spirit that has guided my journey through the Bible.

And all thanks be to God for the heart I see in in Drew.

"Being proud" and "Being prideful"

2010-04-16T07:55:00.001-07:00

Let me start out by saying that I find nothing inherently wrong with the statement "I am so proud of you." I do not equate the message of that statement with the sin of pride at all. Reflecting on it, though, I find that I am a bit uncomfortable with the focus it brings. It seems to me that a better statement would be "I thank God for what he has done through you." or something like that. Maybe "Thank you for letting God use you" is all right too. I guess my main concern is that I want the focus to be on the Gift Giver rather than the one who has been gifted. That, to me, makes me more comfortable and makes more of God and less of the individual that God is using in a particular way. That seems to be more of the spirit of John the Baptist when he said that "He must increase and I must decrease."

For me it is a little like taking a circuitous route to a destination. If my goal is to get there as quickly as possible then there is a better way to do that. I would take a more direct route to my destination rather than amble and meander in a particular fashion. I may be making too much of this but my goal is to bring as much glory and thanks to God as possible. I need to take opportunities to bring the focus back to Him in every situation.

I realize some of the ramifications this has, but also know that this idea is only about three-quarters baked.

Yup - there've been 40 of them

2010-04-09T12:57:00.001-07:00

I thought our days were commonplace,
I thought they would number in the millions. - Treasure of the Broken Land, Mark Heard

Time leaves its marks on me in almost imperceptible ways. I mean, I live with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (a fact that I often lament) and I need to look at pictures to see the effect that time has had on me. I don't look old to me until I look at the wedding picture on our living room wall. I looked so young back then...and that was only 15 years ago. I know that I am not as quick as I used to be and that I can't do the Spring clean up for 8 hours straight like I used to. I find that when I jog I feel like I am going to die and that I get a bit more winded running down the street after my boys. Of course that is not all age related...the volume of Stromboli that I have eaten in 12 hours may have something to do with that as well.

At any rate there have been 40 of them. Years that have passed and yes, I would do some things differently had I know that they would turn out the way they had. But now my days don't number in the millions. They never really had but I guess I am more aware of the number of them than I was in the past. The number 40 has sobered me somewhat. Somewhat. I still have a strange streak in me. It may take the number 50 to get that taken away.

Small mind - even smaller still

2010-03-19T08:39:00.001-07:00

My questions right now don't need all the answers
Just, please don't ever let go of me
No, don't ever stop loving me - The Unattainable Earth, Daniel Amos

I often repeat the response Socrates gave to the question of whether he feared death or not. He responded that it was irrational to fear that which we do not know. I agree, but I am woefully irrational. In my life there have been situations and questions that have shaken me, literally, to the core of my being. They have left me at the end of myself and have given me more than pause...they have staggered me. My mind, (as small as it is), my understanding (as feeble as it is), my relationships (as shallow as they are) do not hold all of the answers and counsel that I need. And even if I received it I would not be able to understand it.

Those are the times that I throw myself on Him and beg Him to never let go of me...to never stop loving me. Like a child I run into my Daddy's arms and ask Him nonsense questions praying that He'll not scold me, praying that He just answers them. My hand grips His so tightly that I lose all sensation. Those are the times when the answer "I don't know" brings me little satisfaction. Those are the days when the assurance "I am here" is my life.

I don't know how fast Socrates heart beat as he consumed the hemlock that took his life. I do know how quickly mine would have beaten. I also know how closely He will hold me. Just don't let go, Daddy. Please don't let go.

Goodbye ordinary

2010-03-16T21:24:00.001-07:00

En route to Albany from the Atlanta airport I had a great conversation with my youngest son:

Drew: "Daddy are you flying Delta?"
Me: "Yes I am, Drew."
Drew: "Oh good I am soooo glad you are flying Delta Airlines!"
Me: "Really?"
Drew: "Oh yes. They give you drinks, they give you food. They are the best! You'll have a great time!"

I wondered where all this came from, but I then recalled that we flew Delta when we visited our friends down in Asheville, NC. I am in Detroit now and recall our layover here on our way from Rochester to Asheville and back again. I love the wonder that my guys have as they live their lives. It makes me want to be more cognizant of the experiences I am having and look for the exquisite in the ordinary.

Is there an ordinary? Not with them. It doesn't even enter their minds. It should have no place in mine either.

Big changes - I just want to be used

2010-03-11T06:23:00.001-08:00

"Hi John,
Let's break some rules." - Intergalactic Radio Station, Vangelis

Last night we were informed of some big changes that are coming down the pike that effect the way I minister at my church and they won't be easy. More than a desire for a particular ministry, I just have a desire to be used by God to bring people closer to Him. If I can, more effectively, help make more and better disciples with a rubber band and a hamster than with what I am doing now you can bet that my next two trips would be to Staples and to the pet store. Even though it is hard and I will miss what I am doing now and what my boys are involved in my goal is not the preservation of the status quo or throwing the Great Commission to the wind so that I can continue in a ministry that I have grown familiar with. That just doesn't compute anymore.

It is time to break some rules. It is time for me to grab a hold of ministry that has one measure. The old way of ministering for ministry's sake is over. No matter how much pain it brings, no matter how much my head spins there is just no more room for playing church. I can't accept that because He doesn't. And I want my heart to be fully aligned with His.

I will be touched deeper than this. I will be forced to relinquish more than I am being asked to jettison now. I need God to drive the stake deep this time...so deep that the next time this happens my reaction, and my heart, will be more Christ-like.

Yes, I have dropped off the face of the Earth

2010-03-04T11:48:00.001-08:00

Sorry the updates and musings have been sparse as of late. Most of you enjoy the break but it won't last long...believe me. There is a boatload of hoo-hah that is going on at work and at our boys' school (Northridge Christian) that has had me hopping and hoping that it would all go away. No, actually I enjoy the challenge of being stretched on occasion. It helps me find out what I am made of. We are in the throes of preparation for the annual NCS Auction and God is showing us that he is providing for our needs even before the auction has begun.

We have been able to get our hands on some very nice items that we have been able to sell on Craigslist for some serious cash. It look like, when it is all said and done, we will have over $300 to donate directly to the NCS Auction as a result of our selling those items. We have been working with the auction for 11 years now and this is the best (by far) that my wife and I have done with the pre-auction item hawking. It is so great to see God take a bunch of stuff and do something great with it.

Well, tonight and tomorrow night are our big setup nights so you won't see hide nor hair of me until sometime next week. You've been warned.

This may come out wrong

2010-02-25T10:05:00.001-08:00

I am sure there are a lot of people that are concerned about my reliance on the Bible to discern right from wrong, to confirm the existence and true nature of God, or for a myriad of other things that I need to have operating in my life for successful living and an abundant life. I can understand their concern because I had those concerns about people as well. I always hung around God and the Bible but never really made a stand on it or anything that it proclaimed. I guess when I finally came to and realized that the Bible is exactly what it purports to be I realized that I shifted my reliance on my reason and perspective to the Bible. After realizing that it scared me that I had not done it sooner.

I may be delving into places that I have no business venturing into, but I just may share same concern that people have about me and my reliance on the Bible to them and their reliance on their reason. Both are unbridled and unapologetic and both our reason and the Bible have their genesis in the mind and creative hand of God Himself. He gave us both in the beginning to be used together. It is just that one has been irrevocably (this side of heaven anyway) corrupted and so much so that it is now a weapon in the hand of the Enemy himself. I don't have to go far in my own life to see how poorly I reason and how I use it to gratify selfish desires that I have. I imagine it is the same for others.

Now, the pressure is on God, so to speak, to deliver an accurate picture of the seen and unseen life rather than on me. He has much bigger shoulders than I do and can bear that burden just fine. As I have compared my own faculties in light of His for the discernment and articulation of this "life picture" I have found that He has proven that His capability more than swallows my incapability.

How boys play

2010-02-18T10:22:00.001-08:00

Will has had a friend over yesterday so that they could play, go to Awana, and sleep over into today. Well, we have had a lot of snow lately and the boys got a hankering to go outside and play in it. They had just started when I arrived home from work. After we got some things around for dinner my wife decided to watch my two sons and Will's friend playing in the front yard. She was concerned at the scene. There they were diving on each other, hitting each other with the sleds, pummeling each other with snow, and laughing their fool heads off while they were doing it. By her own admission my wife has said that she grew up with a sister and was not well-versed in the ways boys play.

I, on the other hand, growing up with three brothers know the ins and outs of the boy brain that thinks: "Here is someone hurtling down the hill on a sled. I can either get out of the way, jump on him, or chuck the sled that is in my hands at him." Two out of the three alternatives would be attractive to any boy. Only one would be embraced by most (not all - there are some crazy ones) girls.

So, yes, most boys play much differently than most girls. (How's that for a diplomatic statement?) And I am re-learning that now. My wife is becoming more and more aware of that every day.

Jesus. Mystery.

2010-02-15T09:43:00.001-08:00

I am singing a new "song of the month" with Northridge Church on Sunday mornings and it is hard for me to get through without being overwhelmed with emotion. I am not sure if any of the other former Catholics in the congregation have the same feelings that I have when I sing the refrain:

Christ has died
Christ has risen
Christ will come again

I have a hard time not weeping. I would like to think that it is because of the beauty and simplicity of this "mystery of our Faith" but I think it has more to do with how thankful I am that God pursued me. He caused me to be born into a family with parents that loved Him dearly. They kicked my butt out the door on Sunday to gather with the church and worship Him. The sacrificed mightily so that I could learn about Him from kindergarten straight through 12th grade. They made sure I got to vacation Bible school...even when the only alternative was the Lutheran church down the road or the backyard Bible club on Florence Avenue. They prayed with me and for me and made sure that there was plenty of God-centered literature in the house. They weren't perfect, but if I am 10% of who they were then I will be a happy man.

But more than who they are and were is who God is. He did all of that and more in their lives and, mystery, He even did it in mine. This God who has taken away my sin ran after me with the remedy and that is celebration! He kicked the door down in my life showing me my impotence and gave me new life in Him. He corrected my vision and has built a home in my heart. How could I have ignored Him for so long?

These feelings, this thankfulness swirls in my heart as the song crescendos into the final singing of the chorus. No one but God could have done this in my life. Nothing this world offers could have given me what I so desperately needed and still, daily, need.

Why can't I just go to sleep?

2010-02-12T07:22:00.001-08:00

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I am not a still sleeper. I am always flipping this way and that and have to contort my body in all manner of various positions so as not to overly disturb my wife while doing said calisthenics. I fear that when I am the most still is when I am buried six feet deep in the pine box that I may be graced with on the way down there. In other words, when I am dead. And that's the issue.

I would much rather Psalm 46:10 say "Breathe deep and know..." or "Fold your hands across your chest and know..." for that would be much more comfortable for me. I do like the restoration that sleep brings and would like to do that more often. I would also rather the Psalmist to have written "Once you're dead and gone you'll know..." but the command is for the here and now isn't it? Crud. Crud. Crud.

I don't like to die. Not that I wouldn't mind exiting this world and being with God, but this whole dying to myself thing now is just such a drag. But...what a restoration. When I die to me right now, when I am weak through stillness, as the command implies, my soul is restored and I am getting to know that God is indeed who He says He is. It goes beyond any physical or even spiritual restoration that sleep brings. It goes all the way down.

Will I ever be comfortable with my pine box that you want me to inhabit today, Dad? Is there any hope for me?

Fraught with danger

2010-02-11T10:38:00.001-08:00

The men's room in the building I work with is fraught with danger. There is an unwritten rule in the relationship that exists between men that you always put one urinal between you and the person next to you when using the facilities...if it is at all possible. Well, our men's room has three urinals on each side of the entrance to the "toilet area" so you would think that this would not be an issue. It is.

You see, when we enter the "toilet area" in our restroom one needs to turn to the right or left and these turns are blind. If one were to turn to the right, for example, and there was already someone using the middle urinal, you're stuck. You need to honor the commitment you made to the right side of the aforementioned toilet area and suck it up...it will be a long relief session. Usually turning to the right is the best option because the only "hands-free-flush" urinal is to the left. Right in the middle.

This by far is the most popular urinal in the toilet area for the added convenience and hygiene it promotes. I never turn to the left unless I am more than reasonably assured that I am the only one in the toilet area. Even then there are issues because I could cause someone to stand next to me while there are 4 other empty urinals. Not cool at all.

So what is the safest bet? Well, I think the slow right turn and the use of the far urinal is where you want to be. Also, the toilets on the right hand side are more underutilized than the ones to the left so if you have to bail out you can always run into one of those. This is needed if you find yourself in a no-win situation. But, sometimes, the allure of the hands-free-flush is just too great and I indulge myself. I just need to be careful...the left hand side has reduced more than one grown man to tears.

It's different this go-round

2010-02-10T12:11:00.001-08:00

I have been in the habit of reading through the Bible in a year for the the past five or six years and it has been great. There is nothing like digesting the book of Obadiah and having all of the preceding books impacting my understanding of it. Looking at God from the different perspectives that the men and women that inhabit the whole of Scripture is an amazing thing. I think that I have been changed by it as well.

I have been a little more deliberate, this go-round, with making sure I do not skip a day in my reading. There have been times when I go to bed at midnight and have had a sense of urgency with doing my daily reading in the Bible. I was a bit too lax last year and found myself 7, 10, or even 14 days behind in my reading. I am determined not to let that happen again and, so far, it has worked out all right. Granted I just finished Matthew and have only read through Chapter 30 of Exodus along with 28 Psalms, but there is just a different attitude that I have now in comparison to other years.

I would like to think that this is something that God has produced in me. Wouldn't that be great if it was? I mean that would be a serious manifestation of one of the fruits of the Spirit...how cool would that be? We'll see if this continues into the Summer as that is when things have a tendency to go all higgly piggly on me. I just pray that I will have not fallen behind by then and that the lessons I am learning now will be down deep. Way deep.

I don't have a scientific mind

2010-02-05T11:18:00.001-08:00

I will be the first (and not the last) to admit that I do not have a scientific mind. No matter what my experience is and no matter how many times people say the opposite I still think that when I jump in the air while in a moving airplane I should be slamming into the back wall of said plane.

Not only does this make sense to me in my mind, but it would be colossal fun. Maybe that's why I want it to be true.

I want to be awesome

2010-02-05T09:53:00.001-08:00

Evaluations are hard for me. Very hard. But they are such a gift. They are a gift I don't want. But they are a gift that I need. See how I am? The problem with me and evaluations is that I have a picture in my head of who I am and how good I am at a certain thing.

I am happy with that picture. Most of the time. One of the great things about that picture it that it is one that I can draw and re-draw as much as I like. I can even select a nice comment over here and a nice comment over there to provide a different perspective of that drawing. Maybe I could even use those nice comments to color my picture in a specific way. If there is a negative comment or two...as long as there are less than two (or three) I can ignore them and continue happily painting my picture of how awesome I am at something. I like my picture.

But, then there is the specter of the evaluation and the possibility that the picture I have in my head is not shared by those that observe me. In fact, the evaluation can be so negative that I would have to redraw some of the picture. Maybe I would even have to crumple it up and start all over again. What if I can't (read "won't") draw the picture that the evaluations demand I draw? What if the standard I believe I am meeting is not reflected in real life? What if I have let my Spiritual Gifts atrophy? What if I don't actually have the ones I think I do?

I do want to be awesome. I want to be comfortable in my picture of awesomeness that I have drawn up in my head. I don't want to be told something different. But I need that. Oh how I need that.

Dread

2010-02-03T10:05:00.001-08:00

Hey restless!
Can you sleep tonight?
Something's going wrong, got to make it right.
Wake up now! Before you sleep the night away. - Restless, David and the Giants

I am not sure if you have had this experience before, but this morning I was restless. I couldn't quite understand the feeling - there was a dread that was hanging over me that I could not shake. I even exercised this morning and had a great cup of coffee which I thought would brighten my mood somewhat, but the feeling persisted. I wondered what it was all about and talked to God a bit about it.

Well, I was in the middle of a conference call when my wife called. I couldn't take her call but, listening to her brief message to call her back I knew something big just went down. I prayed and participated in the call the best I could. She called again and I jumped off the call to talk with her. She, indeed, shared some very bad news with me. We spoke very briefly about it and made some quick plans and I hopped back onto my call. Immediately the feeling lifted. It was almost as if God had snapped His fingers and lifted that dread-filled feeling...it was absolutely palpable.

I think, as complex as it was, the feeling had everything to do with the news coupled with the unknown. I do not get the "something big is going to happen" or "something big just happened" feelings often so when they come they throw me for a loop.

My prayers have changed now that I know what God was pointing me to (preparing me for?). I just pray that I go to Him often enough that it makes a difference.

Looking at the browser blog statistics...

2010-02-02T13:43:00.001-08:00

OK, so the browser statistics for my blog are as follows:

Type of browser used to visit my blog (all versions):
Firefox - 67%
IE - 10%
Chrome - 9%
Opera - 3%
Safari - 2%
Others - 9%

I am happy that there are so many quality web browsers to choose from. I like using all of them (except IE 6) and they all have their strengths independent of the other. It also goes to show that my blog is a bit on the geeky side of things. In fact, the most popoular post on the blog continues to be my resolution of a tightvnc key mapping issue and one person has even reported that it has helped them. It is nice to have a blog that people actually visit. Even if it is heavily concentrated in one post.

"Waited" and the plunger pot

2010-02-01T06:08:00.001-08:00

What a comforting word "waited" is. Even if that what is waited for is an unpleasant event the fact that it is hear and that I am either going through it or have gotten through it is something that, at the very least, reduces ambiguity. I hate waiting. We were at a party last night where my boys had to wait until they got to do one of the very things that we attended the party to do. They didn't have to wait long, but I could tell that they were ready to jump out of their skin in anticipation. But, then, they waited...it was all in the past and their wait was swallowed up in the now. It was over. And the night was everything they could have hoped for. At least that is what they reported to us.

The trick for them, and me most of the time, is to revel in the waiting. I waste so much time looking forward to this, that, or the other thing. I can't always be looking forward to something. My vision has to be much more limited than that.

On another note I made some coffee today in a plunger pot and I need to regulate the amount that I put in there a bit more. It is, maybe, even too strong for me. But, if I keep this up, I may get some hair on my chest.

A moment in time

2010-01-27T08:09:00.001-08:00

Your eyes shone on that night
They were diamonds
Under the ocean’s moonlight
They were diamonds

It was only a moment in time

You were laughing, I was falling hard. It was over
Then the light of morning hid the stars. And it was over

I remember it well
The night I fell so deeply into your eyes
And I wondered if you would feel for me
The way I felt for you

It was only a moment in time - A Moment in Time, The Choir

And when was that moment? Was it the night when she said "yes" to my marriage proposal? Or the night that we knew that our firstborn was growing deep inside of her? Was it the night that we moved from the house that we began our life together in and struck out into uncharted water? Or was it when we realized that we were not only deeply in love with each other, but we were deeply in love with the same God?

Or was it last night when we kissed each other, bade each other a good night, and drifted off to sleep?

Yes. I dare say it was. I love you Diamond Eyes.